the thing i do most everyday is probably waiting.
i cannot describe that feeling of waiting. as i sit here waiting in the quiet hall i can hear the old grandfather clock ticking.
tick tock tick tock
even as i try to occupy myself with something my mind can't seem to focus. i only look forward to seeing the door open to him coming home. afterwards, those few hours we have together are sufficient to relinquish all the feelings of waiting.
it doesn't matter how long i wait; how long i have to shop around the same stores looking at the same clothes; how long i have to sit and watch the time slowly go by; how long i have to spend playing mindless games on my phone -- what matters is at the end of all that waiting i get to see him.
after all, all that time we have left is dwindling...
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
living a dream
i cannot believe where i am, drafting this blog post.
i'm finally in hong kong after months of anticipation. the last one and a half weeks have been a blast and it felt like i had been in a dream. still living in a dream
i finally felt what family is like. not that i'm not happy with my maternal family; it's that kind of family i never got to feel - or maybe i was given that kind of love but i just have no recollection of it. it's simple things like having dinner together at home or in a restaurant or just simply spending time together after dinner.
maybe it's because of the company of children, who knows?
but the feeling is indescribable. i cannot contain that emotion and express it in the form of words. in fact when it was happening to me i thought i could express how i felt; all is but blank.
i just know that the ideal family and its values existed. i refused to believe that a happy family was possible until i saw it with my own eyes. of course there are no families without squabbles but it is safe to say that i had the chance to be part of this idealism.
i'm sure you know how i cannot imagine the day where i have to leave this dream. it's like desperately grasping sand in your hands but they just slither out of your palms. it's already halfway through this experience and i am finding it hard to come to terms with time passing so quickly. now i don't know when would be the next time i'd see Gordon again. when would be the next time i'll be able to spend time with his family like i have been for the longest time? it seems like there's nothing to look forward to now, other than for my graduation and for me to leave london.
at this rate i'm going, i'm not sure i want to remain in london even for a work opportunity. i don't think i can withstand being apart from him for another crazy couple of years.
in fact i don't think i want to do that.
when we met for the first time after 3 months in the airport, i was so happy; he ran towards me and we embraced.
but for that split second i didn't really know who he was because it was all so strange to be hugging and kissing again. then i felt like a jumpstart had shocked me into reality -- even at a different place in a different time, he was still that same man i know and love, and that there was nothing different about everything else other than our relationship just grew that much stronger.
now that i wake up to seeing him every morning, i don't think i want to be apart if i had the choice. all i want is to finish up what i've started to do in london and pack my bags and return to his side, where i call home.
i'm finally in hong kong after months of anticipation. the last one and a half weeks have been a blast and it felt like i had been in a dream. still living in a dream
i finally felt what family is like. not that i'm not happy with my maternal family; it's that kind of family i never got to feel - or maybe i was given that kind of love but i just have no recollection of it. it's simple things like having dinner together at home or in a restaurant or just simply spending time together after dinner.
maybe it's because of the company of children, who knows?
but the feeling is indescribable. i cannot contain that emotion and express it in the form of words. in fact when it was happening to me i thought i could express how i felt; all is but blank.
i just know that the ideal family and its values existed. i refused to believe that a happy family was possible until i saw it with my own eyes. of course there are no families without squabbles but it is safe to say that i had the chance to be part of this idealism.
i'm sure you know how i cannot imagine the day where i have to leave this dream. it's like desperately grasping sand in your hands but they just slither out of your palms. it's already halfway through this experience and i am finding it hard to come to terms with time passing so quickly. now i don't know when would be the next time i'd see Gordon again. when would be the next time i'll be able to spend time with his family like i have been for the longest time? it seems like there's nothing to look forward to now, other than for my graduation and for me to leave london.
at this rate i'm going, i'm not sure i want to remain in london even for a work opportunity. i don't think i can withstand being apart from him for another crazy couple of years.
in fact i don't think i want to do that.
when we met for the first time after 3 months in the airport, i was so happy; he ran towards me and we embraced.
but for that split second i didn't really know who he was because it was all so strange to be hugging and kissing again. then i felt like a jumpstart had shocked me into reality -- even at a different place in a different time, he was still that same man i know and love, and that there was nothing different about everything else other than our relationship just grew that much stronger.
now that i wake up to seeing him every morning, i don't think i want to be apart if i had the choice. all i want is to finish up what i've started to do in london and pack my bags and return to his side, where i call home.
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