one of my most heartfelt songs....
You can reach me by railway, you can reach me by trailway
You can reach me on an airplane, you can reach me with your mind
You can reach me by caravan, cross the desert like an Arab man
I don't care how you get here, just - get here if you can
You can reach me by sail boat, climb a tree and swing rope to rope
Take a sled and slide down the slope, into these arms of mine
You can jump on a speedy colt, cross the border in a blaze of hope
I don't care how you get here, just - get here if you can
There are hills and mountains between us
Always something to get over
If I had my way, surely you would be closer
I need you closer
You can windsurf into my life, take me up on a carpet ride
You can make it in a big balloon, but you better make it soon
You can reach me by caravan, cross the desert like an Arab man
I don't care how you get here, just -- get here if - you can
i'm getting there, soon.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
where?
it's been ages since i've written any thoughts here. i've had so much to think about over the past month but i haven't had the inspiration to pen anything down.
i really don't know what i'm doing with my life. it's aimless, meaningless and i genuinely don't know what i'm living for. living to make people happy? or maybe to make myself think i'm happy. i feel somewhat empty and restless... don't have a care for anything.
all of my life i struggle to keep up with the needs of others. pleasing people and adhering to their whims and fancies. i have a shadow over me.. cast... sucking the living daylight... transporting me into the same time in the past. thinking about the same disappointments i've got from the men i love. the same kind that i fear so much... the same disappointment that i fear would happen again. i cannot stop caring but yet caring has taken a toll on me. why do i care so much? why do i feel like i need to care?
what is it i want? where is it i'm going?
aimless.. in circles...
nowhere
i really don't know what i'm doing with my life. it's aimless, meaningless and i genuinely don't know what i'm living for. living to make people happy? or maybe to make myself think i'm happy. i feel somewhat empty and restless... don't have a care for anything.
all of my life i struggle to keep up with the needs of others. pleasing people and adhering to their whims and fancies. i have a shadow over me.. cast... sucking the living daylight... transporting me into the same time in the past. thinking about the same disappointments i've got from the men i love. the same kind that i fear so much... the same disappointment that i fear would happen again. i cannot stop caring but yet caring has taken a toll on me. why do i care so much? why do i feel like i need to care?
what is it i want? where is it i'm going?
aimless.. in circles...
nowhere
Monday, May 9, 2011
when will i see you again?
i don't know how he feels... but...
i've arrived at a stage where i'm missing him so much that it feels awful.
guess as much i'd be arriving at this point in time but not as soon as i was expecting.
it sucks to be in a long distance relationship.
every single memory comes to life whenever i visit the places we've been before,
yet,
the memories have a limit..
it stops there because we haven't been together long enough to make it continuous.
there are no pictures of us that date later than february 2011.
when will i see you again?
very soon you might say...
but you fill every crevice of my mind.
all i have are memories, all i do is swim in them to keep my emotions afloat.
the nights are cold and lonely without you.
the streets are empty in the night.
just like my poor heart.
i want the distance to shrink to nothing.
i've arrived at a stage where i'm missing him so much that it feels awful.
guess as much i'd be arriving at this point in time but not as soon as i was expecting.
it sucks to be in a long distance relationship.
every single memory comes to life whenever i visit the places we've been before,
yet,
the memories have a limit..
it stops there because we haven't been together long enough to make it continuous.
there are no pictures of us that date later than february 2011.
when will i see you again?
very soon you might say...
but you fill every crevice of my mind.
all i have are memories, all i do is swim in them to keep my emotions afloat.
the nights are cold and lonely without you.
the streets are empty in the night.
just like my poor heart.
i want the distance to shrink to nothing.
Monday, May 2, 2011
The Singapore General Elections 2011.
my take on the Singapore General Elections 2011.
2011 sees a significant year for Singapore's political front. it is also my maiden chance at casting a vote towards the political party i support. unfortunately, i am not participating in polling; neither are some of my Singaporean friends because we live in the United Kingdom and haven't been able to register to vote overseas in time -- not that it matters because we know that however democratic Singapore claims she is on the surface, it is imminent that the government would succeed (once again) in gaining control of majority in parliament.
to be honest i probably don't know enough of the time line of politics in Singapore to leave a persuasive comment but i am one of the many Singaporeans that skim through news fed by the media. in the light of technology in this day and age, social media is one of the most important vehicles in which we gather information and especially for Singaporeans like me who are residing overseas, it is how we keep up with the General Elections by posts from friends.
sometimes i wake up to find myself reading or watching ridiculous statements made from the leaders of Singapore and how they have caused some Singaporeans to be shrouded in a cloud of fear. the fear that if you voted for the opposition, you'd be penalized by the government (well, we don't really know for a fact if the votes are really secret) in terms of say, application for new HDB flats. i can guarantee that they have succeeded instilling fear into much of the voters without the voters realizing that they have been emotionally blackmailed.
cheap tactic?
what these Singaporeans don't understand is that the encouragement of opposition by way of actively supporting and voting for them would cause a domino effect in terms of liberalization of opposition parties, creation of ideas and healthy parliamentary debates which in turn, stimulates better policies and reform in many ways. because of this same fear, candidates of high calibre shun away from joining the opposition for fear of being socially outcasted -- maybe even losing their livelihoods. if we ask why the opposition haven't had stronger candidates? i think you have the answer.
votes for the PAP would continue to quench that insatiable thirst for majority power in parliament and the simple bottom line of building a nation for the people has been severely neglected as a result. what happened to that spirit that freed us to become the independent nation we are today? the PAP have become complacent and also realized that they don't really have to be accountable and transparent to the people at all -- GIC, Temasek: what do we really know about them?
maybe some 30 years ago Singapore needed a rigid government due to the unstable political climate and the initial development of such a young and tender nation. however in this time and age, Singaporeans are far more educated and affluent to be kept on the leash.
Singaporeans have been quiet for too long that they have gotten used to letting the government have their way with everything; ERP hikes, GST hikes, ridiculous CPF schemes... i can go on and on and yet nobody seems to have a chance to say anything.
so what if we have 15,000 Singaporeans turning up for an opposition's rally? on judgement day, in the secrecy of the polling stations, the PAP would still get their vote because the voters think about the $800 they've magically received thanks to the "charitable" government that strangely gives out money every 5 years.
i think we have to start being smarter than that.
if you feel that on May 7 at the respective polling stations, your hands cannot navigate the pen to vote for the opposition, maybe it's time you consider spoiling your vote.
2011 sees a significant year for Singapore's political front. it is also my maiden chance at casting a vote towards the political party i support. unfortunately, i am not participating in polling; neither are some of my Singaporean friends because we live in the United Kingdom and haven't been able to register to vote overseas in time -- not that it matters because we know that however democratic Singapore claims she is on the surface, it is imminent that the government would succeed (once again) in gaining control of majority in parliament.
to be honest i probably don't know enough of the time line of politics in Singapore to leave a persuasive comment but i am one of the many Singaporeans that skim through news fed by the media. in the light of technology in this day and age, social media is one of the most important vehicles in which we gather information and especially for Singaporeans like me who are residing overseas, it is how we keep up with the General Elections by posts from friends.
sometimes i wake up to find myself reading or watching ridiculous statements made from the leaders of Singapore and how they have caused some Singaporeans to be shrouded in a cloud of fear. the fear that if you voted for the opposition, you'd be penalized by the government (well, we don't really know for a fact if the votes are really secret) in terms of say, application for new HDB flats. i can guarantee that they have succeeded instilling fear into much of the voters without the voters realizing that they have been emotionally blackmailed.
cheap tactic?
what these Singaporeans don't understand is that the encouragement of opposition by way of actively supporting and voting for them would cause a domino effect in terms of liberalization of opposition parties, creation of ideas and healthy parliamentary debates which in turn, stimulates better policies and reform in many ways. because of this same fear, candidates of high calibre shun away from joining the opposition for fear of being socially outcasted -- maybe even losing their livelihoods. if we ask why the opposition haven't had stronger candidates? i think you have the answer.
votes for the PAP would continue to quench that insatiable thirst for majority power in parliament and the simple bottom line of building a nation for the people has been severely neglected as a result. what happened to that spirit that freed us to become the independent nation we are today? the PAP have become complacent and also realized that they don't really have to be accountable and transparent to the people at all -- GIC, Temasek: what do we really know about them?
maybe some 30 years ago Singapore needed a rigid government due to the unstable political climate and the initial development of such a young and tender nation. however in this time and age, Singaporeans are far more educated and affluent to be kept on the leash.
Singaporeans have been quiet for too long that they have gotten used to letting the government have their way with everything; ERP hikes, GST hikes, ridiculous CPF schemes... i can go on and on and yet nobody seems to have a chance to say anything.
so what if we have 15,000 Singaporeans turning up for an opposition's rally? on judgement day, in the secrecy of the polling stations, the PAP would still get their vote because the voters think about the $800 they've magically received thanks to the "charitable" government that strangely gives out money every 5 years.
i think we have to start being smarter than that.
if you feel that on May 7 at the respective polling stations, your hands cannot navigate the pen to vote for the opposition, maybe it's time you consider spoiling your vote.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
happy easter!
happy easter everyone! and guess what?
i had my first taste of meat since beginning of march and boy it is good to be back in business.
to be honest i have been so accustomed to having a seafood diet that although i was excited to eat meat, having no meat didn't faze me at all. in fact, i ordered fish for dinner tonight.
it's the irony of how human beings work; when you don't have it then you want it so much, and when you have it, it just seems indifferent to anything else.
today was awesome. i haven't been out and happy with friends in such a long time. we had a lunch at aditya's place and i did majority of the cooking -- i did four different vegetables: grilled peppers with feta cheese, rosemary potatoes, lemon thyme broccoli and stuffed mushrooms; and seafood roast with seabass, squid, prawns and chicken; and finally and roasted leg of pork with horseradish and honey. i must admit doing all the cooking was hard work. the whole kitchen was turned upset down much of last night and this morning; i bet if i hadn't cleaned while cooking, the house would have been in such a mess! but knowing me, i just love to cook and not to mention cooking for people. the best thing is knowing that people appreciate and enjoy your cooking and i never had this feeling when i was cooking in Singapore. without a doubt, coming to London has improved my cooking by ten-folds because of how much cooking i did for myself and for people. i also experimented and discovered a lot of new flavours along the way; flavours i would never have discovered if i weren't here.
of course nothing beats cooking for the one you love. i miss cooking for Gordon because i know whatever food i put on the table he knows i've cooked it with love and it makes me happy to see that he's enjoying my food. i really wished that he would be here today because it was lots of fun; we had a lot of laughter and i want to share this joy with him.
we also went sunbathing in the park this afternoon after lunch like most of the people who arrived at the park in their sunbathing outfits. the guys played with their missile looking frisbee thing that made an annoying sound whenever it was thrown in the air and the girls were resting and relaxing out on the open fields watching everything in the park. it was a lovely day, perfect in fact. the sky was clear and the sun was shining yet it was cool and windy -- the perfect weather you'd never expect in London.
subsequently we adjourned back to the flat and finally got to play poker. thank goodness we didn't play with any money because i went bankrupt twice and had to get investments from sheryl.. it wasn't till towards the end that i recuperated my losses and made a small win. it shows that gambling with money is not always the fun way!
thank you friends for enjoying this pleasant day with me and i'm glad you've all enjoyed the food as much as i've enjoyed your company. look forward to the next time we'll have this much fun!
i had my first taste of meat since beginning of march and boy it is good to be back in business.
to be honest i have been so accustomed to having a seafood diet that although i was excited to eat meat, having no meat didn't faze me at all. in fact, i ordered fish for dinner tonight.
it's the irony of how human beings work; when you don't have it then you want it so much, and when you have it, it just seems indifferent to anything else.
today was awesome. i haven't been out and happy with friends in such a long time. we had a lunch at aditya's place and i did majority of the cooking -- i did four different vegetables: grilled peppers with feta cheese, rosemary potatoes, lemon thyme broccoli and stuffed mushrooms; and seafood roast with seabass, squid, prawns and chicken; and finally and roasted leg of pork with horseradish and honey. i must admit doing all the cooking was hard work. the whole kitchen was turned upset down much of last night and this morning; i bet if i hadn't cleaned while cooking, the house would have been in such a mess! but knowing me, i just love to cook and not to mention cooking for people. the best thing is knowing that people appreciate and enjoy your cooking and i never had this feeling when i was cooking in Singapore. without a doubt, coming to London has improved my cooking by ten-folds because of how much cooking i did for myself and for people. i also experimented and discovered a lot of new flavours along the way; flavours i would never have discovered if i weren't here.
of course nothing beats cooking for the one you love. i miss cooking for Gordon because i know whatever food i put on the table he knows i've cooked it with love and it makes me happy to see that he's enjoying my food. i really wished that he would be here today because it was lots of fun; we had a lot of laughter and i want to share this joy with him.
we also went sunbathing in the park this afternoon after lunch like most of the people who arrived at the park in their sunbathing outfits. the guys played with their missile looking frisbee thing that made an annoying sound whenever it was thrown in the air and the girls were resting and relaxing out on the open fields watching everything in the park. it was a lovely day, perfect in fact. the sky was clear and the sun was shining yet it was cool and windy -- the perfect weather you'd never expect in London.
subsequently we adjourned back to the flat and finally got to play poker. thank goodness we didn't play with any money because i went bankrupt twice and had to get investments from sheryl.. it wasn't till towards the end that i recuperated my losses and made a small win. it shows that gambling with money is not always the fun way!
thank you friends for enjoying this pleasant day with me and i'm glad you've all enjoyed the food as much as i've enjoyed your company. look forward to the next time we'll have this much fun!
Friday, April 22, 2011
spring/summer collection
you wouldn't believe how wonderfully glorious the weather is in London now. London has an infamous reputation for being grim and grey because much of its architecture is old and worn out (should i mention about how everything else is old and under-developed?) but it is so unlike its natural characteristics because most of april had been basking in glorious sunshine. i would often be boiling under my t-shirt and light jacket; walking around the city in shorts and slippers isn't that strange even though it's only spring.
i'm so glad that my unni, Eunmi, is back from Korea and staying in London for some time. even though we hadn't been that close before, she is like a big sister to me and she is always empathic and willing to listen to. she's basically someone that you can confide in. of course, with the return of Eunmi comes the reunion of us with Andrea. she had told us in autumn last year that her boyfriend proposed to her but she wasn't sure if she should accept it and before you know it, she's flying tonight to New Zealand to get married.
as much as the news was jaw-dropping because we never thought she'd settle down so quickly, i feel somewhat happy for her because it may be what she needs to anchor herself down. i'd imagine that this is a life-changing moment for her! all the best!
with the advent of such beautiful weather on a special day like today (it's good friday in case you didn't know), i think about all i've got and i really want to give thanks; with my fast for lent coming to an end, i was glad that i did it even though it was hard and many times i wanted to give up whenever there were delicious meat smells wafting in the air. so to celebrate an end to my fast, i'm gathering some close friends to have a get together on easter sunday, to share the joy of easter (even though many people wouldn't give a shit) and cook and enjoy eating meat again!
happy easter everyone; to all of us in London, may the weather continue to be so wonderful during the best spring/summer in a long time.
i'm so glad that my unni, Eunmi, is back from Korea and staying in London for some time. even though we hadn't been that close before, she is like a big sister to me and she is always empathic and willing to listen to. she's basically someone that you can confide in. of course, with the return of Eunmi comes the reunion of us with Andrea. she had told us in autumn last year that her boyfriend proposed to her but she wasn't sure if she should accept it and before you know it, she's flying tonight to New Zealand to get married.
as much as the news was jaw-dropping because we never thought she'd settle down so quickly, i feel somewhat happy for her because it may be what she needs to anchor herself down. i'd imagine that this is a life-changing moment for her! all the best!
with the advent of such beautiful weather on a special day like today (it's good friday in case you didn't know), i think about all i've got and i really want to give thanks; with my fast for lent coming to an end, i was glad that i did it even though it was hard and many times i wanted to give up whenever there were delicious meat smells wafting in the air. so to celebrate an end to my fast, i'm gathering some close friends to have a get together on easter sunday, to share the joy of easter (even though many people wouldn't give a shit) and cook and enjoy eating meat again!
happy easter everyone; to all of us in London, may the weather continue to be so wonderful during the best spring/summer in a long time.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
a different me.
over the weekend some things happened (which i won't go into detail) and it got me thinking about everything that's going on in my life. it wasn't till 2 days ago till i realised that i have been living in my own fantasy world and today that i realised that it's time to change the person i am.
of late i hadn't seen the need to log into MSN anymore but i did on monday afternoon and enz dropped me a greeting. it had been awhile since i've spoken to her and i was glad that she still remembered that i exist. after the usual how're you's and what have you be up to's, she said that there's more to life than my relationship.
it shook me because of its abruptness but also because of how the truth was staring at my face.
basically i had forgotten everyone around me including my friends and family because i was too obsessed with my relationship. she reminded me that i had been a bad friend, a bad cousin and a bad daughter. and i haven't been giving myself and Gordon the space we both deserve because i was over-indulgent into self-pity and misery, all of which has been created by no one else but myself. her words continued to resonate in my mind, even as i was about to go to bed that night. for some reason i felt more than alone and the self resentment was building inside because of what i have done and failed to do.
tuesday morning came and i woke up feeling so depressed that i couldn't stop crying from the minute i got up.
but it was my cousin's wise words that pulled me out from the deep. she told me that if i had continued to be unhappy even towards my relationship then i would be digging my own grave because no one wants to be with someone that's depressed and unhappy all the time. and all i lacked was faith in myself and faith in him. which was true, because i never did give myself and him a chance... maybe because of the past relationships i've had that has molded me into who i am today.
after hearing her out, i was back to my happy self again and we had our normal and happy conversation. it really was just me creating all these troubles for myself and i'm glad that there was someone out there to get me back into track.
today i realised that the image i have been portraying to everyone is desperation, so much so that everyone thinks that i want to get married soon. i must admit my lifelong goal is to have my own happy family and if i achieve it, it would be ultimate happiness for me. and it was just me probably being too overboard in the things i say and do, and how i portray myself in front of Gordon and others. i hadn't realised until now and i'm going to change who i am. i guess all along i was scared to lose him because he meant more to me than anything else... but if he wasn't meant to be the one for me, whatever i do will have no effect on us because a relationship cannot be forced (let alone a marriage).
so at the end of the day, if he chooses to lose me.. then it's his loss. i shall not and will not continue to let this dominate me because i am not desperate to get married; i was just looking forward to my ultimate happiness.
of late i hadn't seen the need to log into MSN anymore but i did on monday afternoon and enz dropped me a greeting. it had been awhile since i've spoken to her and i was glad that she still remembered that i exist. after the usual how're you's and what have you be up to's, she said that there's more to life than my relationship.
it shook me because of its abruptness but also because of how the truth was staring at my face.
basically i had forgotten everyone around me including my friends and family because i was too obsessed with my relationship. she reminded me that i had been a bad friend, a bad cousin and a bad daughter. and i haven't been giving myself and Gordon the space we both deserve because i was over-indulgent into self-pity and misery, all of which has been created by no one else but myself. her words continued to resonate in my mind, even as i was about to go to bed that night. for some reason i felt more than alone and the self resentment was building inside because of what i have done and failed to do.
tuesday morning came and i woke up feeling so depressed that i couldn't stop crying from the minute i got up.
but it was my cousin's wise words that pulled me out from the deep. she told me that if i had continued to be unhappy even towards my relationship then i would be digging my own grave because no one wants to be with someone that's depressed and unhappy all the time. and all i lacked was faith in myself and faith in him. which was true, because i never did give myself and him a chance... maybe because of the past relationships i've had that has molded me into who i am today.
after hearing her out, i was back to my happy self again and we had our normal and happy conversation. it really was just me creating all these troubles for myself and i'm glad that there was someone out there to get me back into track.
today i realised that the image i have been portraying to everyone is desperation, so much so that everyone thinks that i want to get married soon. i must admit my lifelong goal is to have my own happy family and if i achieve it, it would be ultimate happiness for me. and it was just me probably being too overboard in the things i say and do, and how i portray myself in front of Gordon and others. i hadn't realised until now and i'm going to change who i am. i guess all along i was scared to lose him because he meant more to me than anything else... but if he wasn't meant to be the one for me, whatever i do will have no effect on us because a relationship cannot be forced (let alone a marriage).
so at the end of the day, if he chooses to lose me.. then it's his loss. i shall not and will not continue to let this dominate me because i am not desperate to get married; i was just looking forward to my ultimate happiness.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
borough market and i
i haven't had the best of sleeps in a long time. not to mention i went for a killer weights class on thursday which still leaves me very much sore thus i can't continue my gym routine. while i was sleeping last night i was subconsciously asking myself.. is it sunday tomorrow? omg did the weekend pass so quickly?... to my relief, i woke up bright and early on a partly cloudly saturday morning.
i received my parcel of cookbooks yesterday and was flipping through every recipe which made me incredibly hungry even though i had dinner. i decided that i should go to borough market today to get all my fresh produce and lovely seafood that is virtually impossible to get from waitrose.
the morning started off pretty overcast with the sun peeking through the clouds once in awhile. i caught a bus to London Bridge station and walked over to the market realising that there were many peoeple walking in the same direction. it was crowded. there were so many little make shift stalls and the smell there was incredible. even corner had some delicious concoction brewing or stewing away. you could also smell that unbearable stench of cheese every so often.
i headed to the seafood counter and there were so many varieties of fish and seafood; from the pretty half opened scallops in their shells, to the unhappy looking groupers (well not to mention they were dead). i also had a revelation, the fish that was constantly mentioned in those cookbooks as 'skate' were actually stingrays! there are actually stingrays in this country! i think skate is going to be the fish of the week for me next weekend!
by 11ish, the sun was blazing and everyone was in their summer attire. Gordon constantly reminds me to wear sufficient clothing as it's better to be over-protected than under-protected so there i was in my spring outfit in the middle of faux summer. i ended up buying some fresh clams, a couple of large squids and of course, prime sea bass fillets freshly caught from the sea. i also got some fresh produce -- vine tomatoes, courgettes and some lovely french beans.
i was a very happy girl.
when i got home i ended up dilly dallying with stuff and only started cooking at 3ish after watching sophie dahl cook clam chowder. it so happened that i had the necessary ingredients to imitate her recipe and the chowder was delish! check out my food blog in due time (although it hasn't been updated since december!) as i will post the recipe!
from now on, i'm definitely making borough market my weekly activity.
i received my parcel of cookbooks yesterday and was flipping through every recipe which made me incredibly hungry even though i had dinner. i decided that i should go to borough market today to get all my fresh produce and lovely seafood that is virtually impossible to get from waitrose.
the morning started off pretty overcast with the sun peeking through the clouds once in awhile. i caught a bus to London Bridge station and walked over to the market realising that there were many peoeple walking in the same direction. it was crowded. there were so many little make shift stalls and the smell there was incredible. even corner had some delicious concoction brewing or stewing away. you could also smell that unbearable stench of cheese every so often.
i headed to the seafood counter and there were so many varieties of fish and seafood; from the pretty half opened scallops in their shells, to the unhappy looking groupers (well not to mention they were dead). i also had a revelation, the fish that was constantly mentioned in those cookbooks as 'skate' were actually stingrays! there are actually stingrays in this country! i think skate is going to be the fish of the week for me next weekend!
by 11ish, the sun was blazing and everyone was in their summer attire. Gordon constantly reminds me to wear sufficient clothing as it's better to be over-protected than under-protected so there i was in my spring outfit in the middle of faux summer. i ended up buying some fresh clams, a couple of large squids and of course, prime sea bass fillets freshly caught from the sea. i also got some fresh produce -- vine tomatoes, courgettes and some lovely french beans.
i was a very happy girl.
when i got home i ended up dilly dallying with stuff and only started cooking at 3ish after watching sophie dahl cook clam chowder. it so happened that i had the necessary ingredients to imitate her recipe and the chowder was delish! check out my food blog in due time (although it hasn't been updated since december!) as i will post the recipe!
from now on, i'm definitely making borough market my weekly activity.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
supersizers
there are certain tv programs that i love watching every week and i religiously watch supersize vs. superskinny every tuesday night. in case you're wondering if it's boxing between a huge-ass dude and a scrawny dude, it's not. it's basically a program where they get one person who is super fat and another person who is super skinny and they try to do a diet swap in hopes of helping either lose/gain weight.
in some episodes, there were seriously big people who joined the program and they looked like they swallowed a huge watermelon and it was showing at their bellies. in a serious bid to help these supersizers overcome their constant ravenous appetite, they asked some americans (who were double in size) to make a video for them, showing them how if they'd continue eating like that they would have very miserable lives in future. in particular, a woman weighing a quarter of a ton at age 40 had to pop at least 40 pills a day to keep her daily life in sync. she had to rely on a chair to get around the house. she was so fat that she developed sores under her breasts and below her stomach and her husband had to apply medication for her everyday... meaning, flip up her fats and stick his fingers into the areas with the sores.
i mean seriously? i'm sure when her husband and her made those marriage vows, he didn't sign up to be with such a fat woman and probably didn't expect to have to aid her in her daily life at such a young age. what about the sex? what about having fun together? she could barely catch her breath just standing up for 30 seconds!
and i don't understand how people can live being so morbidly obese without even feeling inferior of their bodies. even when i look at myself in the mirror i feel so disgusted seeing the bulge of my tummy and the fat encrusted around my thighs and arms. isn't there a point in time where they put on so much weight that they realise that it's time they did something about it?
i genuinely don't understand the psychotics of it. but i understand perfectly how it's like to always be on the heavy side and have no living memory of really being slim.
this is where i feel slim people have little empathy for people like us who try freaking hard to lose just 1kg while they never ever get fat even if they stuff their face with food. they really don't understand how it's like to exercise so hard but see so few results... they just think that we're not trying hard enough.
of course i refuse to give in to these skinny people. like in my previous post i'm going to continue to try hard to lose weight even if it kills me.
but i just hope that people who are or are going to be morbidly obese, wake up your ideas and know that all the good food you've had doesn't equate to having a good quality of life in future. stop finding excuses to not exercise, because you still have the chance before you look back and regret it for the rest of your life!
in some episodes, there were seriously big people who joined the program and they looked like they swallowed a huge watermelon and it was showing at their bellies. in a serious bid to help these supersizers overcome their constant ravenous appetite, they asked some americans (who were double in size) to make a video for them, showing them how if they'd continue eating like that they would have very miserable lives in future. in particular, a woman weighing a quarter of a ton at age 40 had to pop at least 40 pills a day to keep her daily life in sync. she had to rely on a chair to get around the house. she was so fat that she developed sores under her breasts and below her stomach and her husband had to apply medication for her everyday... meaning, flip up her fats and stick his fingers into the areas with the sores.
i mean seriously? i'm sure when her husband and her made those marriage vows, he didn't sign up to be with such a fat woman and probably didn't expect to have to aid her in her daily life at such a young age. what about the sex? what about having fun together? she could barely catch her breath just standing up for 30 seconds!
and i don't understand how people can live being so morbidly obese without even feeling inferior of their bodies. even when i look at myself in the mirror i feel so disgusted seeing the bulge of my tummy and the fat encrusted around my thighs and arms. isn't there a point in time where they put on so much weight that they realise that it's time they did something about it?
i genuinely don't understand the psychotics of it. but i understand perfectly how it's like to always be on the heavy side and have no living memory of really being slim.
this is where i feel slim people have little empathy for people like us who try freaking hard to lose just 1kg while they never ever get fat even if they stuff their face with food. they really don't understand how it's like to exercise so hard but see so few results... they just think that we're not trying hard enough.
of course i refuse to give in to these skinny people. like in my previous post i'm going to continue to try hard to lose weight even if it kills me.
but i just hope that people who are or are going to be morbidly obese, wake up your ideas and know that all the good food you've had doesn't equate to having a good quality of life in future. stop finding excuses to not exercise, because you still have the chance before you look back and regret it for the rest of your life!
Monday, April 11, 2011
try harder
i realised that i haven't been trying hard enough in all aspects of my life.
i haven't been trying the hardest to be the best girlfriend in the world. maybe it's because i have been the only child so i expect things to always go my way. but as harsh as reality is, life does not work this way. and many a times i have failed to understand the logic of this so whenever things don't go my way or if i don't get what i want, i have an emotional meltdown and the feeling there and then is something so intense that it would just devour me from the inside.
that's when i realised that Gordon has been that self-sacrificing person; bearing the the brunt of every emotional meltdown that i face for however long we've been together. it's also today that i discovered how much sense he actually makes and in every single situation he is in the most objective of positions. i feel like i am almost always like a child when i don't get things my way and after i get past the tears and fits... i look at myself and see how stupid i was.
these couple of months i have been feeling frequently depressed for no rhyme or reason and for this i feel i've failed him. he's been incredibly understanding, conforming to my every whim while i am just putting on airs all the time. i have to be a better girlfriend!
another thing i haven't been trying the hardest is to lose weight. to be honest after 1.5 months of gyming i am still 1kg shy of going back to my original weight because i had put on so much weight whilst being in Hong Kong. now i feel like i've arrived at the plateau of weight-loss and it's driving me crazy. i have been keeping a conscious effort to cut down on my favourite sweets and i resist the temptations to buy sugar-loaded food. this is a big deal to me because sweets have always been my weakest point and trying to have no sweets at all in a day is as good as putting me on cold turkey. unfortunately even with my strict diet of totally no meat and no carbs at night, i've only managed to lose 3.5kg and it's stopped. even 4-5 times of gym sessions in a week doesn't really help at all now... i'm starting to lose confidence in myself and i have the feeling to want to give up.
but i'm not trying harder!
i need to spend more time in the gym and hopefully visit the gym everyday even though i feel exhausted sometimes. i cannot be lazy and slack off otherwise everything that i've done would be going down the drain!
whatever it is, i have to try harder! that's what life is all about!
i haven't been trying the hardest to be the best girlfriend in the world. maybe it's because i have been the only child so i expect things to always go my way. but as harsh as reality is, life does not work this way. and many a times i have failed to understand the logic of this so whenever things don't go my way or if i don't get what i want, i have an emotional meltdown and the feeling there and then is something so intense that it would just devour me from the inside.
that's when i realised that Gordon has been that self-sacrificing person; bearing the the brunt of every emotional meltdown that i face for however long we've been together. it's also today that i discovered how much sense he actually makes and in every single situation he is in the most objective of positions. i feel like i am almost always like a child when i don't get things my way and after i get past the tears and fits... i look at myself and see how stupid i was.
these couple of months i have been feeling frequently depressed for no rhyme or reason and for this i feel i've failed him. he's been incredibly understanding, conforming to my every whim while i am just putting on airs all the time. i have to be a better girlfriend!
another thing i haven't been trying the hardest is to lose weight. to be honest after 1.5 months of gyming i am still 1kg shy of going back to my original weight because i had put on so much weight whilst being in Hong Kong. now i feel like i've arrived at the plateau of weight-loss and it's driving me crazy. i have been keeping a conscious effort to cut down on my favourite sweets and i resist the temptations to buy sugar-loaded food. this is a big deal to me because sweets have always been my weakest point and trying to have no sweets at all in a day is as good as putting me on cold turkey. unfortunately even with my strict diet of totally no meat and no carbs at night, i've only managed to lose 3.5kg and it's stopped. even 4-5 times of gym sessions in a week doesn't really help at all now... i'm starting to lose confidence in myself and i have the feeling to want to give up.
but i'm not trying harder!
i need to spend more time in the gym and hopefully visit the gym everyday even though i feel exhausted sometimes. i cannot be lazy and slack off otherwise everything that i've done would be going down the drain!
whatever it is, i have to try harder! that's what life is all about!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
a fatal mistake?
I've been thinking; perhaps it's time I realized I've been doing too much for someone and have failed to think about myself. I now love him more than I love myself. Every single thread of my life is tied around him and his well being but I've neglected myself, my sanity and even my house. Obsession much?
I'm really obsessed.
Obsessed with perfecting myself, my relationship and most importantly my future that I've failed to recognize the wants of the people around me. I'm so obsessed that any little word or sentence that he says to me may potentially trigger some sort of alert that maybe he isn't on the same track as I am. I'm scrutinizing every detail so much that I haven't got the time to stop and think about what is it that really makes me happy. So much so that I'm making him unhappy too.
Is it this strong will in me that is setting off all the alarms? Maybe being such an independent person isn't that great after all. I seem to be walking down the same path as my mom. And it's hard for me to deny that my family's failure to launch is partially because of her biggest mistake that caused the fatality of the ship.
She had too strong a character and she wanted her way too much. I keep thinking that I'm becoming like her. It's so scary because I don't want to be. As much as I want to achieve idealism I don't want my future to be compromised by success. But it doesn't mean I don't idolise my mom; It's just that It isn't what I seek in life. My goal is simple: I just want to be really and honestly happy. Pure innocent happiness in it's most basic form.
I have got to stop whatever I'm doing and be less obsessed with the person I love and the things I want to achieve in life. It's far too much for me to handle anymore now. I need to release myself from this I'm putting myself through... But I just don't know how.
My relentless pursuit of happiness.
I'm really obsessed.
Obsessed with perfecting myself, my relationship and most importantly my future that I've failed to recognize the wants of the people around me. I'm so obsessed that any little word or sentence that he says to me may potentially trigger some sort of alert that maybe he isn't on the same track as I am. I'm scrutinizing every detail so much that I haven't got the time to stop and think about what is it that really makes me happy. So much so that I'm making him unhappy too.
Is it this strong will in me that is setting off all the alarms? Maybe being such an independent person isn't that great after all. I seem to be walking down the same path as my mom. And it's hard for me to deny that my family's failure to launch is partially because of her biggest mistake that caused the fatality of the ship.
She had too strong a character and she wanted her way too much. I keep thinking that I'm becoming like her. It's so scary because I don't want to be. As much as I want to achieve idealism I don't want my future to be compromised by success. But it doesn't mean I don't idolise my mom; It's just that It isn't what I seek in life. My goal is simple: I just want to be really and honestly happy. Pure innocent happiness in it's most basic form.
I have got to stop whatever I'm doing and be less obsessed with the person I love and the things I want to achieve in life. It's far too much for me to handle anymore now. I need to release myself from this I'm putting myself through... But I just don't know how.
My relentless pursuit of happiness.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
the right decision
what is the right decision? i thought i knew but now i don't think i know that much anymore.
maybe i was misled... it seems that the plans that i've made in my head have gone down the drain. i'm not sure if i want to move to hong kong so soon anymore, not because i don't want to be reunited with him soon but whether or not it is a feasible plan. i am seriously not rushing anyone or anything, but it has become that i would only have a solid foot on the ground 5 years from now. it came as a shock to me because i never expected to only be anchoring at 30.
then comes the question of going to hong kong. do i really want to move to a place where i have no friends and no family there for me and be living my adult life, still sharing an apartment with some random people for the next 4 years or so? it's like i have no sense of security whatsoever, like an alien in a foreign place and struggling to find myself a well paying job to keep up with the rent; all this happening while he lives in the comfort of his own home with his parents.
then again i really want to have a conventional relationship and stop all this long distance nonsense -- something i can't do if i decide to work in singapore. i really want to be able to spend quality time with him and get to know each other even more than we think we do. but it would mean i have to wait for the next 5 years, while trying to stay afloat, for him to marry me.
why is it that we can't have a plan that we both work towards that would suit each other's needs and preferences, instead of issuing an ultimatum and expecting me to follow?
what can i do? what can i say? i guess i have to wait then, since he means more than anything in the world to me.
maybe i was misled... it seems that the plans that i've made in my head have gone down the drain. i'm not sure if i want to move to hong kong so soon anymore, not because i don't want to be reunited with him soon but whether or not it is a feasible plan. i am seriously not rushing anyone or anything, but it has become that i would only have a solid foot on the ground 5 years from now. it came as a shock to me because i never expected to only be anchoring at 30.
then comes the question of going to hong kong. do i really want to move to a place where i have no friends and no family there for me and be living my adult life, still sharing an apartment with some random people for the next 4 years or so? it's like i have no sense of security whatsoever, like an alien in a foreign place and struggling to find myself a well paying job to keep up with the rent; all this happening while he lives in the comfort of his own home with his parents.
then again i really want to have a conventional relationship and stop all this long distance nonsense -- something i can't do if i decide to work in singapore. i really want to be able to spend quality time with him and get to know each other even more than we think we do. but it would mean i have to wait for the next 5 years, while trying to stay afloat, for him to marry me.
why is it that we can't have a plan that we both work towards that would suit each other's needs and preferences, instead of issuing an ultimatum and expecting me to follow?
what can i do? what can i say? i guess i have to wait then, since he means more than anything in the world to me.
marriage?
i'm glad everything is back to normal now. those couple of days were torture to us and we both hope it would never have to happen again. i must say, i think we both learnt a lot from it.
a lot has got me thinking about life and marriage. i have an annoyingly large number of friends who are suddenly getting hitched or have just got engaged; i.e, got proposed to. and the most annoying part is how they enjoy doing stuff that has no consideration whatsoever to people who are still single or are not experiencing the happiest of relationships. the efficacy of cyberspace is to be blamed, in fact the most guilty of the lot is the accessibility of people's private life through facebook.
i've got friends who post pictures of their engagement rings with flowers as accompaniment, friends updating their facebook statuses accordingly, showing off by counting down how soon they would be getting the keys to their brand new apartment.. need i list more? oh yes, i've even got a friend who scanned the floor plan of her new flat and posted it onto facebook.
i will be flying to shanghai to attend my close friend's wedding in july and it would be the first time i'm becoming a bridesmaid. i was overjoyed after she told me the good news and i agreed to be her bridesmaid without even thinking. but after going to the bridal studio with her for her gown fitting, the same urge in me came alive and i was probably reeking of vinegar the entire night.
call me a sour puss, but the failure of my own family has got me all jealous of them lot. it has also accelerated my interest in setting up my own family and making it perfect in all ways possible. but like what Professor Preece says, it takes 2 to tango. i don't want my other half to feel pressured because of what i want to achieve in my life and disregard the entire situation. so i've always been telling myself to be patient and give others' the blessings i should be giving because that time for me would come (eventually) and it is god's way of planning things for us.
anyhow, i'm happy with what i have now; i feel contented with my relationship with Gordon. as much as i wish for all things good to come my way, i'll be waiting with much patience..and bated breath, for the best things happen to the ones who wait.
a lot has got me thinking about life and marriage. i have an annoyingly large number of friends who are suddenly getting hitched or have just got engaged; i.e, got proposed to. and the most annoying part is how they enjoy doing stuff that has no consideration whatsoever to people who are still single or are not experiencing the happiest of relationships. the efficacy of cyberspace is to be blamed, in fact the most guilty of the lot is the accessibility of people's private life through facebook.
i've got friends who post pictures of their engagement rings with flowers as accompaniment, friends updating their facebook statuses accordingly, showing off by counting down how soon they would be getting the keys to their brand new apartment.. need i list more? oh yes, i've even got a friend who scanned the floor plan of her new flat and posted it onto facebook.
i will be flying to shanghai to attend my close friend's wedding in july and it would be the first time i'm becoming a bridesmaid. i was overjoyed after she told me the good news and i agreed to be her bridesmaid without even thinking. but after going to the bridal studio with her for her gown fitting, the same urge in me came alive and i was probably reeking of vinegar the entire night.
call me a sour puss, but the failure of my own family has got me all jealous of them lot. it has also accelerated my interest in setting up my own family and making it perfect in all ways possible. but like what Professor Preece says, it takes 2 to tango. i don't want my other half to feel pressured because of what i want to achieve in my life and disregard the entire situation. so i've always been telling myself to be patient and give others' the blessings i should be giving because that time for me would come (eventually) and it is god's way of planning things for us.
anyhow, i'm happy with what i have now; i feel contented with my relationship with Gordon. as much as i wish for all things good to come my way, i'll be waiting with much patience..and bated breath, for the best things happen to the ones who wait.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
heartache
today was a moment in the history of us together. it probably was the first time that we had an official argument.
what sparked it off was stupidness on my part and probably the lack of endorphins in my body. i cried my eyes out for more than 3 hours because i couldn't help that i was so sad and that in the heat of the moment both of us said things that hurt each other.
following our argument on the phone i wept so hard because i kept questioning why he couldn't do that bit more for me and whether the choice to move to hong kong was really the right one. i thought back about the numerous times i felt like i was always placed second in priority whereas my life now revolves around him. i also asked myself if it was right for me to place my life around him; always sitting around the phone hoping that it'll ring.. in fact sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night thinking about whether he'd replied to the emails i sent to him every morning.
but then it struck me that we were two different people in two different situations. he, working, and only getting off in the evening where he tries his best to do whatever he wants in that few hours -- and me, studying, going to classes 3 times a week and getting breaks in between. he is one who can't be cooped up at home whereas i am one who doesn't mind staying at home for 3 days straight.
obviously i have more time to spare thus i'm doing that much more.
question is why do i expect so much from someone that is so different from me? maybe for that moment i feel that he could have done a bit more but for most parts of it, he is after all, human.
i reflected on myself and realised that i've been hysterical over such a tiny matter. the tiny matter was magnified several hundred times bigger because of the time difference and the distance. i shouldn't have done what i did and should have been more understanding. for the millionth time i've said this but haven't been able to do -- i will change the way i think.
it doesn't only take for him to be more sensitive to me but it is also up to me to make us as amicable as possible during these trying times.
my biggest motivation now is that we're already nearing April 2011 -- another 8 months. it may seem like a long time but in between we'd see other for 2 months in the summer and that just shrinks it to another 6 months. we're already 8 months into the relationship; surely we could hang in there for another 6 months?
taking today as a lesson, all i can say is that i'm sorry for all the wasted angst. please forgive me!
what sparked it off was stupidness on my part and probably the lack of endorphins in my body. i cried my eyes out for more than 3 hours because i couldn't help that i was so sad and that in the heat of the moment both of us said things that hurt each other.
following our argument on the phone i wept so hard because i kept questioning why he couldn't do that bit more for me and whether the choice to move to hong kong was really the right one. i thought back about the numerous times i felt like i was always placed second in priority whereas my life now revolves around him. i also asked myself if it was right for me to place my life around him; always sitting around the phone hoping that it'll ring.. in fact sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night thinking about whether he'd replied to the emails i sent to him every morning.
but then it struck me that we were two different people in two different situations. he, working, and only getting off in the evening where he tries his best to do whatever he wants in that few hours -- and me, studying, going to classes 3 times a week and getting breaks in between. he is one who can't be cooped up at home whereas i am one who doesn't mind staying at home for 3 days straight.
obviously i have more time to spare thus i'm doing that much more.
question is why do i expect so much from someone that is so different from me? maybe for that moment i feel that he could have done a bit more but for most parts of it, he is after all, human.
i reflected on myself and realised that i've been hysterical over such a tiny matter. the tiny matter was magnified several hundred times bigger because of the time difference and the distance. i shouldn't have done what i did and should have been more understanding. for the millionth time i've said this but haven't been able to do -- i will change the way i think.
it doesn't only take for him to be more sensitive to me but it is also up to me to make us as amicable as possible during these trying times.
my biggest motivation now is that we're already nearing April 2011 -- another 8 months. it may seem like a long time but in between we'd see other for 2 months in the summer and that just shrinks it to another 6 months. we're already 8 months into the relationship; surely we could hang in there for another 6 months?
taking today as a lesson, all i can say is that i'm sorry for all the wasted angst. please forgive me!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
sunday
i woke up this morning hoping that i would (finally) be properly rested but to my disappointment, i was more tired than ever.
the problem with me is that i hang out on the bed too much after i wake up. it takes me two hours to finally decide to get my ass out of bed and do something about myself. i figured that i still wasn't well enough to go for a gym session so i set my mind on cleaning the house. although i usually only clean the house once a week, i was somehow motivated by the weather outside. the day had been so sunny and bright. it's seldom that i draw up all of the blinds in the house to let the light come in but i couldn't help that it was such a nice day.
somehow or rather the good weather didn't really influence that much of a mood in me. over time i've started to grow weary of everything; the things i do, the things i've done... the things i think about doing. sometimes i need some kind of reciprocating factor to just give me that little push along the way but things just wouldn't turn out like you'd expect. maybe i need to stop caring so much about what's going to happen in future and let things naturally fall into place... but i am not one who can live life without plans or knowing what's going to happen next.
maybe that's just me trying to play god.
but nobody is god. at the end of the day we just fall prey to one of god's plans. this i believe, can't be changed. no matter how much praying i do every night before i sleep, praying that that lucky girl would be me -- the next morning i wake up as perplexed as ever about my life and i continue to live my life thinking about how i ended up this way.
i look back at my life and see myself slowly going towards the dark side. who can save me and shine the light onto my path of despair?
i want to be happy, no wait; i should be happy no? i've got everything i want but when i look at myself in the mirror i see someone who has nothing.
sunday isn't such a sunny day after all.
the problem with me is that i hang out on the bed too much after i wake up. it takes me two hours to finally decide to get my ass out of bed and do something about myself. i figured that i still wasn't well enough to go for a gym session so i set my mind on cleaning the house. although i usually only clean the house once a week, i was somehow motivated by the weather outside. the day had been so sunny and bright. it's seldom that i draw up all of the blinds in the house to let the light come in but i couldn't help that it was such a nice day.
somehow or rather the good weather didn't really influence that much of a mood in me. over time i've started to grow weary of everything; the things i do, the things i've done... the things i think about doing. sometimes i need some kind of reciprocating factor to just give me that little push along the way but things just wouldn't turn out like you'd expect. maybe i need to stop caring so much about what's going to happen in future and let things naturally fall into place... but i am not one who can live life without plans or knowing what's going to happen next.
maybe that's just me trying to play god.
but nobody is god. at the end of the day we just fall prey to one of god's plans. this i believe, can't be changed. no matter how much praying i do every night before i sleep, praying that that lucky girl would be me -- the next morning i wake up as perplexed as ever about my life and i continue to live my life thinking about how i ended up this way.
i look back at my life and see myself slowly going towards the dark side. who can save me and shine the light onto my path of despair?
i want to be happy, no wait; i should be happy no? i've got everything i want but when i look at myself in the mirror i see someone who has nothing.
sunday isn't such a sunny day after all.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
conflicts
there has been an increase in internal conflicts that i'm having with myself. i'm fighting the stupidity of my emotions and the actions that have arisen because of such emotions.
he asked me if i was feeling unhappy and truth be told, i am not in the happiest of moods.
to be honest i wondered if my decision to come to london was a right one. till this day i have been thinking over and over and maybe it was because i wanted to escape from singapore thus i made the decision to leave everything behind to start anew. and anew i started but the same old issues came back to haunt me in a different fashion; my emotions have become so complex that i am beginning to lose control.
the internal battle of emotions has also prevented my relationship with Gordon from being the best. many times i felt like i've let him down, let this relationship down -- because i could not control how i acted towards him. i would often get mad when he is off spending time with his family or just plain winding down in his own ways. thereafter i'd feel so bad that i had behaved that way because it isn't any wrong of his to do things that everyone would think is deemed fit. i cannot understand why i feel this way and i cannot control myself. the distance isn't doing myself any favors as i would often think of worst case scenarios whenever things happen and freak myself out unnecessarily.
calling london my second home has probably made things worse for me. whenever i'm back in singapore i don't feel like i'm home anymore. i don't feel like my room is my room, or my things are my things. it just doesn't feel right anymore.
my relationship with my father has weakened so much that i didn't realise that my dad is still an active part of my life until he called me last night.
i had forgotten i had a dad.
then i think about the impending situation where my parents will finally go their separate ways and my dad will finally be on his own. it just deters me from going back home. i don't want to go back to singapore, not even after i graduate and leave london. it seems like i have nowhere else to go.
if i didn't go back to singapore i'd probably disappoint my mother again. another disappointment for her. i think i am her biggest disappointment.
if only someone could tell me the answers to life; how i should approach these problems, how should i control my emotions instead of being overwhelmed by it.
he asked me if i was feeling unhappy and truth be told, i am not in the happiest of moods.
to be honest i wondered if my decision to come to london was a right one. till this day i have been thinking over and over and maybe it was because i wanted to escape from singapore thus i made the decision to leave everything behind to start anew. and anew i started but the same old issues came back to haunt me in a different fashion; my emotions have become so complex that i am beginning to lose control.
the internal battle of emotions has also prevented my relationship with Gordon from being the best. many times i felt like i've let him down, let this relationship down -- because i could not control how i acted towards him. i would often get mad when he is off spending time with his family or just plain winding down in his own ways. thereafter i'd feel so bad that i had behaved that way because it isn't any wrong of his to do things that everyone would think is deemed fit. i cannot understand why i feel this way and i cannot control myself. the distance isn't doing myself any favors as i would often think of worst case scenarios whenever things happen and freak myself out unnecessarily.
calling london my second home has probably made things worse for me. whenever i'm back in singapore i don't feel like i'm home anymore. i don't feel like my room is my room, or my things are my things. it just doesn't feel right anymore.
my relationship with my father has weakened so much that i didn't realise that my dad is still an active part of my life until he called me last night.
i had forgotten i had a dad.
then i think about the impending situation where my parents will finally go their separate ways and my dad will finally be on his own. it just deters me from going back home. i don't want to go back to singapore, not even after i graduate and leave london. it seems like i have nowhere else to go.
if i didn't go back to singapore i'd probably disappoint my mother again. another disappointment for her. i think i am her biggest disappointment.
if only someone could tell me the answers to life; how i should approach these problems, how should i control my emotions instead of being overwhelmed by it.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
routine
my life has now transformed into some kind of routine.
from the moment i go to the sleep, the next thing i know, i'd be up in the middle of the night to find myself waking up for no apparent reason. i'd be so tempted to check my phone for emails but i try to resist and go back to sleep.
when morning comes the first thing i do is to check my phone for emails from Gordon; that's probably the thing that makes me happy all day knowing that i have something to look forward to in the morning.
if it was a school day, i'd get up to wash the sleep away, make tea in my thermos flask and heat up whatever it is that i am to bring to school for lunch.
9.00am sharp i leave my home and brisk walk to school
all the way till 4.30pm school happens and following that i'd walk home.
next on the list: gym routine -- some days dance classes, some treadmill, rowing..
in the evening i'd spend my time catching up on hong kong dramas on the internet and at the same time, send a daily email to Gordon so that he'd be able to read it when he got to work and that it'll be able to cheer him up for the day.
if it wasn't a school day, i'd wake up in the morning and have some breakfast then think about what to cook for that evening. it was then a trip to the supermarket where i pick up my groceries for the next couple of days.
then it was waiting for Gordon; hoping that we'd be able to skype because i'm constantly missing him. but i do try to be that understanding when it wasn't possible or if it was too late for him to skype.
other than that, it would be tutorials + gym routine + drama watching.
11.30pm, sleep.
from the moment i go to the sleep, the next thing i know, i'd be up in the middle of the night to find myself waking up for no apparent reason. i'd be so tempted to check my phone for emails but i try to resist and go back to sleep.
when morning comes the first thing i do is to check my phone for emails from Gordon; that's probably the thing that makes me happy all day knowing that i have something to look forward to in the morning.
if it was a school day, i'd get up to wash the sleep away, make tea in my thermos flask and heat up whatever it is that i am to bring to school for lunch.
9.00am sharp i leave my home and brisk walk to school
all the way till 4.30pm school happens and following that i'd walk home.
next on the list: gym routine -- some days dance classes, some treadmill, rowing..
in the evening i'd spend my time catching up on hong kong dramas on the internet and at the same time, send a daily email to Gordon so that he'd be able to read it when he got to work and that it'll be able to cheer him up for the day.
if it wasn't a school day, i'd wake up in the morning and have some breakfast then think about what to cook for that evening. it was then a trip to the supermarket where i pick up my groceries for the next couple of days.
then it was waiting for Gordon; hoping that we'd be able to skype because i'm constantly missing him. but i do try to be that understanding when it wasn't possible or if it was too late for him to skype.
other than that, it would be tutorials + gym routine + drama watching.
11.30pm, sleep.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Uncle John's Principle to Life
My mother's brother is someone who doesn't speak much.
He is known to me as Uncle John.
His theory to life has always been the listener, one who doesn't contribute much in terms of opinion. At first I felt like he was bein slightly irresponsible whenever things happened because all he would do was to listen to what others had to say and he would carry out whichever person's opinion he thinks is right.
If he doesn't agree at all, he'd do what he wants and quietly does it his way. He doesn't ask for any praise or objection.
He has always been himself.
I learnt that in life, we all have to be Uncle John sometimes.
He is known to me as Uncle John.
His theory to life has always been the listener, one who doesn't contribute much in terms of opinion. At first I felt like he was bein slightly irresponsible whenever things happened because all he would do was to listen to what others had to say and he would carry out whichever person's opinion he thinks is right.
If he doesn't agree at all, he'd do what he wants and quietly does it his way. He doesn't ask for any praise or objection.
He has always been himself.
I learnt that in life, we all have to be Uncle John sometimes.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
where do we go from here?
i think maybe it's because i have too few classes per week this semester. it seems like i don't have anything worth looking forward to. i really don't know what's gotten into me.. whatever the case, i want to get rid of this as soon as possible.
plans plans plans but will they really materialise? where am i going from here? at this point i'm at another crossroads once again thinking about what to do with my life; wondering what's in store for me.
what am i meant to do, to accomplish in my life?
and then i don't know what in the world is wrong with me, since i've been going to bed at 10.30pm and waking up at 8.30pm but i'm still so exhausted. my dark eye circles are still at where they belong and as the days pass, i seem to be getting more and more tired. i hope it's not jet-laggedness that's causing me all this. i think the sleep problem has also made me more depressed.
i can't wait for exams to come.. then i would be able to occupy more of my time.
in the mean time, i'll try to go to the gym as much as possible.
plans plans plans but will they really materialise? where am i going from here? at this point i'm at another crossroads once again thinking about what to do with my life; wondering what's in store for me.
what am i meant to do, to accomplish in my life?
and then i don't know what in the world is wrong with me, since i've been going to bed at 10.30pm and waking up at 8.30pm but i'm still so exhausted. my dark eye circles are still at where they belong and as the days pass, i seem to be getting more and more tired. i hope it's not jet-laggedness that's causing me all this. i think the sleep problem has also made me more depressed.
i can't wait for exams to come.. then i would be able to occupy more of my time.
in the mean time, i'll try to go to the gym as much as possible.
Monday, March 7, 2011
reality
after more than 3 months of frolicking all over the world, i'm finally back to where i was.
not sure that i am more receptive to the idea of living alone again; especially since i've experienced what it was like to be cared for by a pseudo mother who is a housewife -- something i have never felt before. my mother often told me some time back that she was willing to drop everything at work to become a housewife for 3 months. unfortunately, i have yet to come back to a home with home-cooked meals waiting for me everyday.
no, don't get me wrong. i don't loathe my mother for not being able to keep to what she said.
it's just that i really wanted to feel that for myself; even if it was just for a week.. not to mention, a day.
but with circumstances and mounting pressures on my mother, i know that it is close to impossible for me to experience that. fortunately Gordon's parents provided the love and care for me and filled the missing piece in my heart. nobody understands how much this means to me, not even Gordon. it's just like how we're accustomed to having a telly at home yet it is a treat for people who never grew up watching the telly.
his mother was a provider of audience to the most heartfelt struggles i've been having for all of my life. she was sympathetic and yet she could empathize with the predicaments i've gone through. i also appreciated how she didn't despise me, since i was shy from the calibre of women her friends' sons have. she treated me like i was her own.
i couldn't be more thankful to his family -- i wonder if it's God's will that brought me to them?
what is the furthest distance?
it is one where you can see and hear; but you can't feel.
not sure that i am more receptive to the idea of living alone again; especially since i've experienced what it was like to be cared for by a pseudo mother who is a housewife -- something i have never felt before. my mother often told me some time back that she was willing to drop everything at work to become a housewife for 3 months. unfortunately, i have yet to come back to a home with home-cooked meals waiting for me everyday.
no, don't get me wrong. i don't loathe my mother for not being able to keep to what she said.
it's just that i really wanted to feel that for myself; even if it was just for a week.. not to mention, a day.
but with circumstances and mounting pressures on my mother, i know that it is close to impossible for me to experience that. fortunately Gordon's parents provided the love and care for me and filled the missing piece in my heart. nobody understands how much this means to me, not even Gordon. it's just like how we're accustomed to having a telly at home yet it is a treat for people who never grew up watching the telly.
his mother was a provider of audience to the most heartfelt struggles i've been having for all of my life. she was sympathetic and yet she could empathize with the predicaments i've gone through. i also appreciated how she didn't despise me, since i was shy from the calibre of women her friends' sons have. she treated me like i was her own.
i couldn't be more thankful to his family -- i wonder if it's God's will that brought me to them?
what is the furthest distance?
it is one where you can see and hear; but you can't feel.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
waiting, waiting
the thing i do most everyday is probably waiting.
i cannot describe that feeling of waiting. as i sit here waiting in the quiet hall i can hear the old grandfather clock ticking.
tick tock tick tock
even as i try to occupy myself with something my mind can't seem to focus. i only look forward to seeing the door open to him coming home. afterwards, those few hours we have together are sufficient to relinquish all the feelings of waiting.
it doesn't matter how long i wait; how long i have to shop around the same stores looking at the same clothes; how long i have to sit and watch the time slowly go by; how long i have to spend playing mindless games on my phone -- what matters is at the end of all that waiting i get to see him.
after all, all that time we have left is dwindling...
i cannot describe that feeling of waiting. as i sit here waiting in the quiet hall i can hear the old grandfather clock ticking.
tick tock tick tock
even as i try to occupy myself with something my mind can't seem to focus. i only look forward to seeing the door open to him coming home. afterwards, those few hours we have together are sufficient to relinquish all the feelings of waiting.
it doesn't matter how long i wait; how long i have to shop around the same stores looking at the same clothes; how long i have to sit and watch the time slowly go by; how long i have to spend playing mindless games on my phone -- what matters is at the end of all that waiting i get to see him.
after all, all that time we have left is dwindling...
Sunday, January 2, 2011
living a dream
i cannot believe where i am, drafting this blog post.
i'm finally in hong kong after months of anticipation. the last one and a half weeks have been a blast and it felt like i had been in a dream. still living in a dream
i finally felt what family is like. not that i'm not happy with my maternal family; it's that kind of family i never got to feel - or maybe i was given that kind of love but i just have no recollection of it. it's simple things like having dinner together at home or in a restaurant or just simply spending time together after dinner.
maybe it's because of the company of children, who knows?
but the feeling is indescribable. i cannot contain that emotion and express it in the form of words. in fact when it was happening to me i thought i could express how i felt; all is but blank.
i just know that the ideal family and its values existed. i refused to believe that a happy family was possible until i saw it with my own eyes. of course there are no families without squabbles but it is safe to say that i had the chance to be part of this idealism.
i'm sure you know how i cannot imagine the day where i have to leave this dream. it's like desperately grasping sand in your hands but they just slither out of your palms. it's already halfway through this experience and i am finding it hard to come to terms with time passing so quickly. now i don't know when would be the next time i'd see Gordon again. when would be the next time i'll be able to spend time with his family like i have been for the longest time? it seems like there's nothing to look forward to now, other than for my graduation and for me to leave london.
at this rate i'm going, i'm not sure i want to remain in london even for a work opportunity. i don't think i can withstand being apart from him for another crazy couple of years.
in fact i don't think i want to do that.
when we met for the first time after 3 months in the airport, i was so happy; he ran towards me and we embraced.
but for that split second i didn't really know who he was because it was all so strange to be hugging and kissing again. then i felt like a jumpstart had shocked me into reality -- even at a different place in a different time, he was still that same man i know and love, and that there was nothing different about everything else other than our relationship just grew that much stronger.
now that i wake up to seeing him every morning, i don't think i want to be apart if i had the choice. all i want is to finish up what i've started to do in london and pack my bags and return to his side, where i call home.
i'm finally in hong kong after months of anticipation. the last one and a half weeks have been a blast and it felt like i had been in a dream. still living in a dream
i finally felt what family is like. not that i'm not happy with my maternal family; it's that kind of family i never got to feel - or maybe i was given that kind of love but i just have no recollection of it. it's simple things like having dinner together at home or in a restaurant or just simply spending time together after dinner.
maybe it's because of the company of children, who knows?
but the feeling is indescribable. i cannot contain that emotion and express it in the form of words. in fact when it was happening to me i thought i could express how i felt; all is but blank.
i just know that the ideal family and its values existed. i refused to believe that a happy family was possible until i saw it with my own eyes. of course there are no families without squabbles but it is safe to say that i had the chance to be part of this idealism.
i'm sure you know how i cannot imagine the day where i have to leave this dream. it's like desperately grasping sand in your hands but they just slither out of your palms. it's already halfway through this experience and i am finding it hard to come to terms with time passing so quickly. now i don't know when would be the next time i'd see Gordon again. when would be the next time i'll be able to spend time with his family like i have been for the longest time? it seems like there's nothing to look forward to now, other than for my graduation and for me to leave london.
at this rate i'm going, i'm not sure i want to remain in london even for a work opportunity. i don't think i can withstand being apart from him for another crazy couple of years.
in fact i don't think i want to do that.
when we met for the first time after 3 months in the airport, i was so happy; he ran towards me and we embraced.
but for that split second i didn't really know who he was because it was all so strange to be hugging and kissing again. then i felt like a jumpstart had shocked me into reality -- even at a different place in a different time, he was still that same man i know and love, and that there was nothing different about everything else other than our relationship just grew that much stronger.
now that i wake up to seeing him every morning, i don't think i want to be apart if i had the choice. all i want is to finish up what i've started to do in london and pack my bags and return to his side, where i call home.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)