I've been thinking; perhaps it's time I realized I've been doing too much for someone and have failed to think about myself. I now love him more than I love myself. Every single thread of my life is tied around him and his well being but I've neglected myself, my sanity and even my house. Obsession much?
I'm really obsessed.
Obsessed with perfecting myself, my relationship and most importantly my future that I've failed to recognize the wants of the people around me. I'm so obsessed that any little word or sentence that he says to me may potentially trigger some sort of alert that maybe he isn't on the same track as I am. I'm scrutinizing every detail so much that I haven't got the time to stop and think about what is it that really makes me happy. So much so that I'm making him unhappy too.
Is it this strong will in me that is setting off all the alarms? Maybe being such an independent person isn't that great after all. I seem to be walking down the same path as my mom. And it's hard for me to deny that my family's failure to launch is partially because of her biggest mistake that caused the fatality of the ship.
She had too strong a character and she wanted her way too much. I keep thinking that I'm becoming like her. It's so scary because I don't want to be. As much as I want to achieve idealism I don't want my future to be compromised by success. But it doesn't mean I don't idolise my mom; It's just that It isn't what I seek in life. My goal is simple: I just want to be really and honestly happy. Pure innocent happiness in it's most basic form.
I have got to stop whatever I'm doing and be less obsessed with the person I love and the things I want to achieve in life. It's far too much for me to handle anymore now. I need to release myself from this I'm putting myself through... But I just don't know how.
My relentless pursuit of happiness.
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