rain.

chills that run through the wind
as i catch the bus home.
huddled in the comfort of my coat
the rain continues to make it known.

passing cars splash over potholes
as i walk the way home.
pitter-patter of the raindrops
peaceful yet mellow.

looking through the window
as i lay down at home.
wondering when this rain may stop
like this dear most, forlorn.

may i have some positivity please?

all i want really is to have a more lighthearted and happy post but i guess i'm just lacking the positivity.

it's good that i've identified the problem and now it's time to 斬草除根.

well to be honest i think i'm starting to get used to having my life back to being alone and i'm beginning to embrace it. we've been communicating on a very regular basis and i bet there isn't even a 12 hour gap between the times we speak to each other whether on the phone or over skype. i guess things are going to be very different from next week (which i'm still trying to psych myself for) and we'll start communicating less and less.

on the other hand i think we're both learning to appreciate the beauty of being apart. for him i think it's a great starting point in terms of his career (though i'd like to be there for him supporting him every step of the way) without me being a distraction. for me i guess i can concentrate on completing my masters and probably have more time to do all the reading that i want. for us it's an excellent test on the strength of our relationship. moreover it's just 2 years (tops) that we're gonna do this... following this i'll be able to get a job at macdonald's in hk! or maybe 大家樂?

anyway it's gonna be another couple of months before we meet again in hk! so excited about the fact that i'm going back to singapore in december too! what's even more exciting is that chinese new year is only 4 months-ish away and i'm gonna be around for all this that's gonna happen:)

well... looks like the positivity is coming back to me eh? slowly, but surely!

maryanne.

dearest sister,

how have you been?

it's been 19 years since you left and i've been trying to bury you into the deep possibilities of my mind; and it worked. i forgot that on this faithful day, you abandoned mom, dad and i to go to some place better than this world.

i'm sure you're seeing all that have happened from up above. not sure how you feel about this... but it would have been better if you'd been here going through all of this with me. in fact, all of this wouldn't have happened if you were still here with us.

i know it isn't your fault,

but i cannot imagine how i survived the past 19 years of my life in that deep depression. that hole that i was in and nobody was there to save me. the things that i've witnessed going on in the family whether it was happening with mom and dad or the rest of the folks that i had been living with.

maryanne, i hope you know how much it hurts to see mom and dad break up.

i wish that it had never happened and during the final years of their marriage, i was secretly hoping that they would get back together like before; but they never did. to be honest i had seen all of this coming for the last (god knows how many) years but i just can't let go of it.

you understand how i'm feeling right?

i'd give everything i have now to have you back here with me, and for mom and dad to get back together. i'd do anything in the best of hypocrisies to have wholeness in life-- something which i can never fill ever again, no matter how happy i am now.

regardless, please continue to watch over mom and dad and be that guiding angel that i know you've always been.

i miss you dearest sister. you know that i will always be the sister that loves you no matter what happens.

there will be that time where we'll do things together like all sisters do.

reality check.

it's day 3 of being away from each other and i guess we're handling it well. my pipes have been fixed and it's no longer bursting like it was last week; just the occasional leak.

so far we've been in constant contact during the time that both of us are awake. Gordon installed skype and we've been having video chats for the past couple of days and it's been good. i also found out that my mobile phone is so awesome as we could actually do video chats on it!

my friends have been the most supportive lot.

i met Meixia on saturday afternoon for lunch and a walk at portobello market. we went to this wonderful italian restaurant that she recommended. it was tucked away from the hustle and bustle of the portobello crowd and served really authentic italian fare. we had spaghetti alla vongole which is by far the best i've had in london. the first time i went to portobello i fell in love with the place even though i hardly bought anything there. going back certainly helped a lot in lifting my spirits up especially since the market is always filled with so many people, things and colors. we also queued for the hummingbird bakery cupcakes and it was the bomb (of fattening goodness).
i then headed to bermondsey street for the annual bermondsey market fair. for once the entire street had become a myriad of colorful tents that housed some makeshift stalls selling quirky art and things like bags, shoes and well..you know... ladies stuff. i met up with yoshi, eunmi and andrea where we had some cupcakes (that i bought) and booze and sat beneath the tents talking about someone whom we all miss and making fun of him. somehow with all the company i could get, i still felt rather empty. i swear, many times as i was watching the crowd there was always some form of hallucination of him waving to me from far.
i must have been dreaming.
upon realising the hallucinations, i thought to myself -- it was really a big mistake to go for the fair. i couldn't look at anywhere without seeing us. every corner of bermondsey street had some kind of memory.

how i waited at the end of the tunnel to see him running towards me.
how he'd always tell me there's actually some shop selling stuff behind a huge gold gate with a snake mural on it.
how i'd always walk past daniel cobb and get fascinated at the pictures of apartments up for sale and wish that one of them was mine.
how we'd always try to wake up for our favourite spring rolls at the vietnamese cafe (but failed miserably most of the time).
how we'd sit outside bermondsey coffeeshop having our favourite banana frappe and watch people walking their dogs.
how he'd tell me that the girl behind the counter at bermondsey coffeeshop was cute and i'd get jealous.
how he'd always call every dog that walked past bermondsey coffeeshop ronnie.
how we'd always walk past andrew brown and wonder if the hair stylists were gay.
how we'd play silly walking games like trying not to step on the darker tiles on the floor so that the distance back home would seem shorter.
how we'd try our luck at getting a table at zucca.
how he told me that the 2D building opposite his place actually looks 3D.
how he'd wait for me near his place to bring home-cooked dinner.

and then we walked to the end of bermondsey street to bermondsey square where they had some live bands playing throughout the day. i saw the ping pong table that he'd always force me to play a few games with and most of the time lose to him and get really unhappy about it. eunmi then said to me "look it's ping pong, Gordon's favourite!".
if it wasn't enough, andrea suggested having coffee and bermondsey coffeeshop. i seriously felt like leaving there and then. regardless, i followed suit and was the only one who had banana frappe.

later that night, we met up with sheryl and aditya (and a few other friends) where we went to cha cha moon to have dinner. i wasn't feeling too well then. it was a mixture of being sad, feeling sick and restlessness. so much for one night.
thorsten joined us for drinks and we were having many rounds of mojito and by the 4th mojito i was more or less tipsy. we left the bar and the remainder of us went to club 49 for clubbing and drinks where i had another round of mojito, and then some other drinks which i don't really have recollection of what they were.
before long i was walking on whitecross street back home (not knowing how i got there) and the following series of events was a blur to me.

i spent most of sunday trying to recover from a seriously bad throat and a major hangover. aditya and i went to ping pong (which was a first for me) where we had pretty decent dimsum for lunch. Gordon and i then had our first video call which didn't last very long cos he had jetlag and needed sleep. the rest of the day was just stoning and not bothering about anything else because i was too hangover to do anything. i couldn't even take control of myself and clean my room which is in an utter mess (and still is) like me. i really don't know what to do with myself.

when evening came, the most depressing thing happened to me. i had to collect his bags from his old flat (yes you got it right, bermondsey street again) and could only go after 9pm. the night was exceptionally cold and windy and i was chilled to the bone even though i was wearing a winter coat and had a scarf. the walk through bermondsey street was a nightmare. it was quiet because it was a sunday night and the weather couldn't have made it worse for me. his flatmates were really nice to help me bring the stuff down and wait with me for the cab in the cold.

sunday night ended with me having really late dinner and then doing just about nothing before i went to shower and sleep.



but i guess everyday can only get better.

deer, you're always on my mind:)

The Pope.

The Pope was in London today.

it was also the day Gordon left london for good.

because of the papal visit, the cabbie Habib had to take a different route from where he'd normally have taken. i looked out of the window and we were on the waterloo bridge.
it reminded me of that night we went absolutely crazy (or rather, i went absolutely crazy) and we decided to walk from tower bridge all the way to westminster and then caught a bus to leicester square and went home at 5am after supper.

then fleet street.
we drove past wasabi (my favourite japanese fast-food in which he hates) -- the same one where we had lunch at and talked about our favourite actors and movies and realised how much we had in common.

next it was aldwych.
the place where he'd wait for RV1 and i'd wait for 76 to go home.

then we were on kingsway.
sushi hiroba flashed past us. the place where we had our first lunch together.

it was kind of bittersweet for me. maybe a good thing for him since he could see these places for a last time before he returned home. i couldn't help but look back and think of all these wonderful memories.. then broke down in the cab.

i know i'm quite useless. all of my last posts were about this misery i was and still am feeling.

we journeyed on to find ourselves stuck in bad traffic for more than 45 minutes in which we were silent most of the time. i was pretty disappointed cos this time, God wasn't on my side and we arrived at the airport 40 minutes later than we were supposed to. great.
we managed a brisk meal at ponti's where we had pasta (apparently we aren't sick of it yet) and then spent the rest of the remaining minutes listening to how he'd tell me it's not gonna be long till we see each other again in a different place where it'll be fun (yes i know it will be) but somehow it just didn't sink in.

at the departure gates, we had a long hug and kissed goodbye for the last time and at that point of time i couldn't control my tears so it was like a waterfall (though i didn't expect myself to do so well...i thought i'd do worse).

and then he left.

the sunset was exceptionally beautiful today.

weekend please don't come

for once i can't believe i'm saying this but, weekend please don't come.

it's going to be another 2 more days before gordon leaves and i'm seriously feeling the overwhelming sadness.

i know i've been over this a thousand times in my head - that what we wouldn't be any different and that we still can hold everything in place - but it is growing increasingly strenuous to psycho myself that everything would be okay. can i really hold it up? i've got to hold on even if it means giving all i've got.

i guess i need to find something really substantial to fill up my time after he leaves...

like what?

regardless, i'll make it, somehow.

what a beautiful mess this is... it's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes..

let me let go.

i've been really emotional about everything of late.

this included the horrible emotional meltdown i had on friday night after our night out at the club. reality had set in after i realised how disappointing i really was. i came to London with the mindset that i was going to be all alone and i was totally cool with it. i got by each day alone with little effort.

but as time went by i have become more and more dependent on my friends and of course, on Gordon. knowing that he's leaving for good in little less than 2 weeks means that my pillar of support will be gone. it isn't just about having our usual conversations on the phone but knowing that he's physically present seems to be really important to me now.

i should be ashamed of myself.

i am also not looking forward to the incredibly arduous ordeal ahead of us -- a long distance relationship. i am trying to steel my mind and prepare for the worst because i know the time that we get to talk to each other everyday would be so little due to the nature of his work and all the long hours he'd have to put in. i am also preparing to get back to that reclusive self i used to be, happily getting by my days by just going to school then the gym and to the supermarket for groceries.

as depressing as it sounds, even with all of these problems laid down on the table i refuse to throw the towel in. don't ask me why but i just feel there's more to this relationship than it being long distance. i believe with much persistence from both of us, we'd make it to the end. putting all of the past relationships aside, i think this is the real deal. we just need to find that shimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, that's all.

i couldn't get to sleep on friday night without thinking about all that's going to happen in future. crying and thinking about him and all the things we will fail to do because time isn't on our side. feeling sad about everything... i was basically swimming in my own tears.

even as i pen down these thoughts i cannot help but let the floodgates open.

i guess it's just about getting used to, innit?