happy easter!

happy easter everyone! and guess what?

i had my first taste of meat since beginning of march and boy it is good to be back in business.

to be honest i have been so accustomed to having a seafood diet that although i was excited to eat meat, having no meat didn't faze me at all. in fact, i ordered fish for dinner tonight.
it's the irony of how human beings work; when you don't have it then you want it so much, and when you have it, it just seems indifferent to anything else.

today was awesome. i haven't been out and happy with friends in such a long time. we had a lunch at aditya's place and i did majority of the cooking -- i did four different vegetables: grilled peppers with feta cheese, rosemary potatoes, lemon thyme broccoli and stuffed mushrooms; and seafood roast with seabass, squid, prawns and chicken; and finally and roasted leg of pork with horseradish and honey. i must admit doing all the cooking was hard work. the whole kitchen was turned upset down much of last night and this morning; i bet if i hadn't cleaned while cooking, the house would have been in such a mess! but knowing me, i just love to cook and not to mention cooking for people. the best thing is knowing that people appreciate and enjoy your cooking and i never had this feeling when i was cooking in Singapore. without a doubt, coming to London has improved my cooking by ten-folds because of how much cooking i did for myself and for people. i also experimented and discovered a lot of new flavours along the way; flavours i would never have discovered if i weren't here.
of course nothing beats cooking for the one you love. i miss cooking for Gordon because i know whatever food i put on the table he knows i've cooked it with love and it makes me happy to see that he's enjoying my food. i really wished that he would be here today because it was lots of fun; we had a lot of laughter and i want to share this joy with him.

we also went sunbathing in the park this afternoon after lunch like most of the people who arrived at the park in their sunbathing outfits. the guys played with their missile looking frisbee thing that made an annoying sound whenever it was thrown in the air and the girls were resting and relaxing out on the open fields watching everything in the park. it was a lovely day, perfect in fact. the sky was clear and the sun was shining yet it was cool and windy -- the perfect weather you'd never expect in London.
subsequently we adjourned back to the flat and finally got to play poker. thank goodness we didn't play with any money because i went bankrupt twice and had to get investments from sheryl.. it wasn't till towards the end that i recuperated my losses and made a small win. it shows that gambling with money is not always the fun way!

thank you friends for enjoying this pleasant day with me and i'm glad you've all enjoyed the food as much as i've enjoyed your company. look forward to the next time we'll have this much fun!

spring/summer collection

you wouldn't believe how wonderfully glorious the weather is in London now. London has an infamous reputation for being grim and grey because much of its architecture is old and worn out (should i mention about how everything else is old and under-developed?) but it is so unlike its natural characteristics because most of april had been basking in glorious sunshine. i would often be boiling under my t-shirt and light jacket; walking around the city in shorts and slippers isn't that strange even though it's only spring.

i'm so glad that my unni, Eunmi, is back from Korea and staying in London for some time. even though we hadn't been that close before, she is like a big sister to me and she is always empathic and willing to listen to. she's basically someone that you can confide in. of course, with the return of Eunmi comes the reunion of us with Andrea. she had told us in autumn last year that her boyfriend proposed to her but she wasn't sure if she should accept it and before you know it, she's flying tonight to New Zealand to get married.
as much as the news was jaw-dropping because we never thought she'd settle down so quickly, i feel somewhat happy for her because it may be what she needs to anchor herself down. i'd imagine that this is a life-changing moment for her! all the best!

with the advent of such beautiful weather on a special day like today (it's good friday in case you didn't know), i think about all i've got and i really want to give thanks; with my fast for lent coming to an end, i was glad that i did it even though it was hard and many times i wanted to give up whenever there were delicious meat smells wafting in the air. so to celebrate an end to my fast, i'm gathering some close friends to have a get together on easter sunday, to share the joy of easter (even though many people wouldn't give a shit) and cook and enjoy eating meat again!

happy easter everyone; to all of us in London, may the weather continue to be so wonderful during the best spring/summer in a long time.

a different me.

over the weekend some things happened (which i won't go into detail) and it got me thinking about everything that's going on in my life. it wasn't till 2 days ago till i realised that i have been living in my own fantasy world and today that i realised that it's time to change the person i am.

of late i hadn't seen the need to log into MSN anymore but i did on monday afternoon and enz dropped me a greeting. it had been awhile since i've spoken to her and i was glad that she still remembered that i exist. after the usual how're you's and what have you be up to's, she said that there's more to life than my relationship.

it shook me because of its abruptness but also because of how the truth was staring at my face.

basically i had forgotten everyone around me including my friends and family because i was too obsessed with my relationship. she reminded me that i had been a bad friend, a bad cousin and a bad daughter. and i haven't been giving myself and Gordon the space we both deserve because i was over-indulgent into self-pity and misery, all of which has been created by no one else but myself. her words continued to resonate in my mind, even as i was about to go to bed that night. for some reason i felt more than alone and the self resentment was building inside because of what i have done and failed to do.

tuesday morning came and i woke up feeling so depressed that i couldn't stop crying from the minute i got up.

but it was my cousin's wise words that pulled me out from the deep. she told me that if i had continued to be unhappy even towards my relationship then i would be digging my own grave because no one wants to be with someone that's depressed and unhappy all the time. and all i lacked was faith in myself and faith in him. which was true, because i never did give myself and him a chance... maybe because of the past relationships i've had that has molded me into who i am today.

after hearing her out, i was back to my happy self again and we had our normal and happy conversation. it really was just me creating all these troubles for myself and i'm glad that there was someone out there to get me back into track.

today i realised that the image i have been portraying to everyone is desperation, so much so that everyone thinks that i want to get married soon. i must admit my lifelong goal is to have my own happy family and if i achieve it, it would be ultimate happiness for me. and it was just me probably being too overboard in the things i say and do, and how i portray myself in front of Gordon and others. i hadn't realised until now and i'm going to change who i am. i guess all along i was scared to lose him because he meant more to me than anything else... but if he wasn't meant to be the one for me, whatever i do will have no effect on us because a relationship cannot be forced (let alone a marriage).

so at the end of the day, if he chooses to lose me.. then it's his loss. i shall not and will not continue to let this dominate me because i am not desperate to get married; i was just looking forward to my ultimate happiness.

borough market and i

i haven't had the best of sleeps in a long time. not to mention i went for a killer weights class on thursday which still leaves me very much sore thus i can't continue my gym routine. while i was sleeping last night i was subconsciously asking myself.. is it sunday tomorrow? omg did the weekend pass so quickly?... to my relief, i woke up bright and early on a partly cloudly saturday morning.
i received my parcel of cookbooks yesterday and was flipping through every recipe which made me incredibly hungry even though i had dinner. i decided that i should go to borough market today to get all my fresh produce and lovely seafood that is virtually impossible to get from waitrose.

the morning started off pretty overcast with the sun peeking through the clouds once in awhile. i caught a bus to London Bridge station and walked over to the market realising that there were many peoeple walking in the same direction. it was crowded. there were so many little make shift stalls and the smell there was incredible. even corner had some delicious concoction brewing or stewing away. you could also smell that unbearable stench of cheese every so often.
i headed to the seafood counter and there were so many varieties of fish and seafood; from the pretty half opened scallops in their shells, to the unhappy looking groupers (well not to mention they were dead). i also had a revelation, the fish that was constantly mentioned in those cookbooks as 'skate' were actually stingrays! there are actually stingrays in this country! i think skate is going to be the fish of the week for me next weekend!

by 11ish, the sun was blazing and everyone was in their summer attire. Gordon constantly reminds me to wear sufficient clothing as it's better to be over-protected than under-protected so there i was in my spring outfit in the middle of faux summer. i ended up buying some fresh clams, a couple of large squids and of course, prime sea bass fillets freshly caught from the sea. i also got some fresh produce -- vine tomatoes, courgettes and some lovely french beans.

i was a very happy girl.

when i got home i ended up dilly dallying with stuff and only started cooking at 3ish after watching sophie dahl cook clam chowder. it so happened that i had the necessary ingredients to imitate her recipe and the chowder was delish! check out my food blog in due time (although it hasn't been updated since december!) as i will post the recipe!

from now on, i'm definitely making borough market my weekly activity.

supersizers

there are certain tv programs that i love watching every week and i religiously watch supersize vs. superskinny every tuesday night. in case you're wondering if it's boxing between a huge-ass dude and a scrawny dude, it's not. it's basically a program where they get one person who is super fat and another person who is super skinny and they try to do a diet swap in hopes of helping either lose/gain weight.

in some episodes, there were seriously big people who joined the program and they looked like they swallowed a huge watermelon and it was showing at their bellies. in a serious bid to help these supersizers overcome their constant ravenous appetite, they asked some americans (who were double in size) to make a video for them, showing them how if they'd continue eating like that they would have very miserable lives in future. in particular, a woman weighing a quarter of a ton at age 40 had to pop at least 40 pills a day to keep her daily life in sync. she had to rely on a chair to get around the house. she was so fat that she developed sores under her breasts and below her stomach and her husband had to apply medication for her everyday... meaning, flip up her fats and stick his fingers into the areas with the sores.

i mean seriously? i'm sure when her husband and her made those marriage vows, he didn't sign up to be with such a fat woman and probably didn't expect to have to aid her in her daily life at such a young age. what about the sex? what about having fun together? she could barely catch her breath just standing up for 30 seconds!

and i don't understand how people can live being so morbidly obese without even feeling inferior of their bodies. even when i look at myself in the mirror i feel so disgusted seeing the bulge of my tummy and the fat encrusted around my thighs and arms. isn't there a point in time where they put on so much weight that they realise that it's time they did something about it?
i genuinely don't understand the psychotics of it. but i understand perfectly how it's like to always be on the heavy side and have no living memory of really being slim.
this is where i feel slim people have little empathy for people like us who try freaking hard to lose just 1kg while they never ever get fat even if they stuff their face with food. they really don't understand how it's like to exercise so hard but see so few results... they just think that we're not trying hard enough.

of course i refuse to give in to these skinny people. like in my previous post i'm going to continue to try hard to lose weight even if it kills me.
but i just hope that people who are or are going to be morbidly obese, wake up your ideas and know that all the good food you've had doesn't equate to having a good quality of life in future. stop finding excuses to not exercise, because you still have the chance before you look back and regret it for the rest of your life!

try harder

i realised that i haven't been trying hard enough in all aspects of my life.

i haven't been trying the hardest to be the best girlfriend in the world. maybe it's because i have been the only child so i expect things to always go my way. but as harsh as reality is, life does not work this way. and many a times i have failed to understand the logic of this so whenever things don't go my way or if i don't get what i want, i have an emotional meltdown and the feeling there and then is something so intense that it would just devour me from the inside.
that's when i realised that Gordon has been that self-sacrificing person; bearing the the brunt of every emotional meltdown that i face for however long we've been together. it's also today that i discovered how much sense he actually makes and in every single situation he is in the most objective of positions. i feel like i am almost always like a child when i don't get things my way and after i get past the tears and fits... i look at myself and see how stupid i was.
these couple of months i have been feeling frequently depressed for no rhyme or reason and for this i feel i've failed him. he's been incredibly understanding, conforming to my every whim while i am just putting on airs all the time. i have to be a better girlfriend!

another thing i haven't been trying the hardest is to lose weight. to be honest after 1.5 months of gyming i am still 1kg shy of going back to my original weight because i had put on so much weight whilst being in Hong Kong. now i feel like i've arrived at the plateau of weight-loss and it's driving me crazy. i have been keeping a conscious effort to cut down on my favourite sweets and i resist the temptations to buy sugar-loaded food. this is a big deal to me because sweets have always been my weakest point and trying to have no sweets at all in a day is as good as putting me on cold turkey. unfortunately even with my strict diet of totally no meat and no carbs at night, i've only managed to lose 3.5kg and it's stopped. even 4-5 times of gym sessions in a week doesn't really help at all now... i'm starting to lose confidence in myself and i have the feeling to want to give up.
but i'm not trying harder!
i need to spend more time in the gym and hopefully visit the gym everyday even though i feel exhausted sometimes. i cannot be lazy and slack off otherwise everything that i've done would be going down the drain!

whatever it is, i have to try harder! that's what life is all about!

a fatal mistake?

I've been thinking; perhaps it's time I realized I've been doing too much for someone and have failed to think about myself. I now love him more than I love myself. Every single thread of my life is tied around him and his well being but I've neglected myself, my sanity and even my house. Obsession much?

I'm really obsessed.

Obsessed with perfecting myself, my relationship and most importantly my future that I've failed to recognize the wants of the people around me. I'm so obsessed that any little word or sentence that he says to me may potentially trigger some sort of alert that maybe he isn't on the same track as I am. I'm scrutinizing every detail so much that I haven't got the time to stop and think about what is it that really makes me happy. So much so that I'm making him unhappy too.

Is it this strong will in me that is setting off all the alarms? Maybe being such an independent person isn't that great after all. I seem to be walking down the same path as my mom. And it's hard for me to deny that my family's failure to launch is partially because of her biggest mistake that caused the fatality of the ship.

She had too strong a character and she wanted her way too much. I keep thinking that I'm becoming like her. It's so scary because I don't want to be. As much as I want to achieve idealism I don't want my future to be compromised by success. But it doesn't mean I don't idolise my mom; It's just that It isn't what I seek in life. My goal is simple: I just want to be really and honestly happy. Pure innocent happiness in it's most basic form.

I have got to stop whatever I'm doing and be less obsessed with the person I love and the things I want to achieve in life. It's far too much for me to handle anymore now. I need to release myself from this I'm putting myself through... But I just don't know how.

My relentless pursuit of happiness.

the right decision

what is the right decision? i thought i knew but now i don't think i know that much anymore.

maybe i was misled... it seems that the plans that i've made in my head have gone down the drain. i'm not sure if i want to move to hong kong so soon anymore, not because i don't want to be reunited with him soon but whether or not it is a feasible plan. i am seriously not rushing anyone or anything, but it has become that i would only have a solid foot on the ground 5 years from now. it came as a shock to me because i never expected to only be anchoring at 30.

then comes the question of going to hong kong. do i really want to move to a place where i have no friends and no family there for me and be living my adult life, still sharing an apartment with some random people for the next 4 years or so? it's like i have no sense of security whatsoever, like an alien in a foreign place and struggling to find myself a well paying job to keep up with the rent; all this happening while he lives in the comfort of his own home with his parents.

then again i really want to have a conventional relationship and stop all this long distance nonsense -- something i can't do if i decide to work in singapore. i really want to be able to spend quality time with him and get to know each other even more than we think we do. but it would mean i have to wait for the next 5 years, while trying to stay afloat, for him to marry me.

why is it that we can't have a plan that we both work towards that would suit each other's needs and preferences, instead of issuing an ultimatum and expecting me to follow?

what can i do? what can i say? i guess i have to wait then, since he means more than anything in the world to me.

marriage?

i'm glad everything is back to normal now. those couple of days were torture to us and we both hope it would never have to happen again. i must say, i think we both learnt a lot from it.

a lot has got me thinking about life and marriage. i have an annoyingly large number of friends who are suddenly getting hitched or have just got engaged; i.e, got proposed to. and the most annoying part is how they enjoy doing stuff that has no consideration whatsoever to people who are still single or are not experiencing the happiest of relationships. the efficacy of cyberspace is to be blamed, in fact the most guilty of the lot is the accessibility of people's private life through facebook.
i've got friends who post pictures of their engagement rings with flowers as accompaniment, friends updating their facebook statuses accordingly, showing off by counting down how soon they would be getting the keys to their brand new apartment.. need i list more? oh yes, i've even got a friend who scanned the floor plan of her new flat and posted it onto facebook.

i will be flying to shanghai to attend my close friend's wedding in july and it would be the first time i'm becoming a bridesmaid. i was overjoyed after she told me the good news and i agreed to be her bridesmaid without even thinking. but after going to the bridal studio with her for her gown fitting, the same urge in me came alive and i was probably reeking of vinegar the entire night.

call me a sour puss, but the failure of my own family has got me all jealous of them lot. it has also accelerated my interest in setting up my own family and making it perfect in all ways possible. but like what Professor Preece says, it takes 2 to tango. i don't want my other half to feel pressured because of what i want to achieve in my life and disregard the entire situation. so i've always been telling myself to be patient and give others' the blessings i should be giving because that time for me would come (eventually) and it is god's way of planning things for us.

anyhow, i'm happy with what i have now; i feel contented with my relationship with Gordon. as much as i wish for all things good to come my way, i'll be waiting with much patience..and bated breath, for the best things happen to the ones who wait.