heartache

today was a moment in the history of us together. it probably was the first time that we had an official argument.

what sparked it off was stupidness on my part and probably the lack of endorphins in my body. i cried my eyes out for more than 3 hours because i couldn't help that i was so sad and that in the heat of the moment both of us said things that hurt each other.

following our argument on the phone i wept so hard because i kept questioning why he couldn't do that bit more for me and whether the choice to move to hong kong was really the right one. i thought back about the numerous times i felt like i was always placed second in priority whereas my life now revolves around him. i also asked myself if it was right for me to place my life around him; always sitting around the phone hoping that it'll ring.. in fact sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night thinking about whether he'd replied to the emails i sent to him every morning.

but then it struck me that we were two different people in two different situations. he, working, and only getting off in the evening where he tries his best to do whatever he wants in that few hours -- and me, studying, going to classes 3 times a week and getting breaks in between. he is one who can't be cooped up at home whereas i am one who doesn't mind staying at home for 3 days straight.
obviously i have more time to spare thus i'm doing that much more.

question is why do i expect so much from someone that is so different from me? maybe for that moment i feel that he could have done a bit more but for most parts of it, he is after all, human.

i reflected on myself and realised that i've been hysterical over such a tiny matter. the tiny matter was magnified several hundred times bigger because of the time difference and the distance. i shouldn't have done what i did and should have been more understanding. for the millionth time i've said this but haven't been able to do -- i will change the way i think.
it doesn't only take for him to be more sensitive to me but it is also up to me to make us as amicable as possible during these trying times.

my biggest motivation now is that we're already nearing April 2011 -- another 8 months. it may seem like a long time but in between we'd see other for 2 months in the summer and that just shrinks it to another 6 months. we're already 8 months into the relationship; surely we could hang in there for another 6 months?

taking today as a lesson, all i can say is that i'm sorry for all the wasted angst. please forgive me!

sunday

i woke up this morning hoping that i would (finally) be properly rested but to my disappointment, i was more tired than ever.

the problem with me is that i hang out on the bed too much after i wake up. it takes me two hours to finally decide to get my ass out of bed and do something about myself. i figured that i still wasn't well enough to go for a gym session so i set my mind on cleaning the house. although i usually only clean the house once a week, i was somehow motivated by the weather outside. the day had been so sunny and bright. it's seldom that i draw up all of the blinds in the house to let the light come in but i couldn't help that it was such a nice day.

somehow or rather the good weather didn't really influence that much of a mood in me. over time i've started to grow weary of everything; the things i do, the things i've done... the things i think about doing. sometimes i need some kind of reciprocating factor to just give me that little push along the way but things just wouldn't turn out like you'd expect. maybe i need to stop caring so much about what's going to happen in future and let things naturally fall into place... but i am not one who can live life without plans or knowing what's going to happen next.

maybe that's just me trying to play god.

but nobody is god. at the end of the day we just fall prey to one of god's plans. this i believe, can't be changed. no matter how much praying i do every night before i sleep, praying that that lucky girl would be me -- the next morning i wake up as perplexed as ever about my life and i continue to live my life thinking about how i ended up this way.

i look back at my life and see myself slowly going towards the dark side. who can save me and shine the light onto my path of despair?

i want to be happy, no wait; i should be happy no? i've got everything i want but when i look at myself in the mirror i see someone who has nothing.

sunday isn't such a sunny day after all.

conflicts

there has been an increase in internal conflicts that i'm having with myself. i'm fighting the stupidity of my emotions and the actions that have arisen because of such emotions.

he asked me if i was feeling unhappy and truth be told, i am not in the happiest of moods.

to be honest i wondered if my decision to come to london was a right one. till this day i have been thinking over and over and maybe it was because i wanted to escape from singapore thus i made the decision to leave everything behind to start anew. and anew i started but the same old issues came back to haunt me in a different fashion; my emotions have become so complex that i am beginning to lose control.

the internal battle of emotions has also prevented my relationship with Gordon from being the best. many times i felt like i've let him down, let this relationship down -- because i could not control how i acted towards him. i would often get mad when he is off spending time with his family or just plain winding down in his own ways. thereafter i'd feel so bad that i had behaved that way because it isn't any wrong of his to do things that everyone would think is deemed fit. i cannot understand why i feel this way and i cannot control myself. the distance isn't doing myself any favors as i would often think of worst case scenarios whenever things happen and freak myself out unnecessarily.

calling london my second home has probably made things worse for me. whenever i'm back in singapore i don't feel like i'm home anymore. i don't feel like my room is my room, or my things are my things. it just doesn't feel right anymore.
my relationship with my father has weakened so much that i didn't realise that my dad is still an active part of my life until he called me last night.

i had forgotten i had a dad.

then i think about the impending situation where my parents will finally go their separate ways and my dad will finally be on his own. it just deters me from going back home. i don't want to go back to singapore, not even after i graduate and leave london. it seems like i have nowhere else to go.

if i didn't go back to singapore i'd probably disappoint my mother again. another disappointment for her. i think i am her biggest disappointment.

if only someone could tell me the answers to life; how i should approach these problems, how should i control my emotions instead of being overwhelmed by it.

routine

my life has now transformed into some kind of routine.

from the moment i go to the sleep, the next thing i know, i'd be up in the middle of the night to find myself waking up for no apparent reason. i'd be so tempted to check my phone for emails but i try to resist and go back to sleep.

when morning comes the first thing i do is to check my phone for emails from Gordon; that's probably the thing that makes me happy all day knowing that i have something to look forward to in the morning.

if it was a school day, i'd get up to wash the sleep away, make tea in my thermos flask and heat up whatever it is that i am to bring to school for lunch.

9.00am sharp i leave my home and brisk walk to school

all the way till 4.30pm school happens and following that i'd walk home.

next on the list: gym routine -- some days dance classes, some treadmill, rowing..

in the evening i'd spend my time catching up on hong kong dramas on the internet and at the same time, send a daily email to Gordon so that he'd be able to read it when he got to work and that it'll be able to cheer him up for the day.

if it wasn't a school day, i'd wake up in the morning and have some breakfast then think about what to cook for that evening. it was then a trip to the supermarket where i pick up my groceries for the next couple of days.

then it was waiting for Gordon; hoping that we'd be able to skype because i'm constantly missing him. but i do try to be that understanding when it wasn't possible or if it was too late for him to skype.

other than that, it would be tutorials + gym routine + drama watching.

11.30pm, sleep.

Uncle John's Principle to Life

My mother's brother is someone who doesn't speak much.

He is known to me as Uncle John.

His theory to life has always been the listener, one who doesn't contribute much in terms of opinion. At first I felt like he was bein slightly irresponsible whenever things happened because all he would do was to listen to what others had to say and he would carry out whichever person's opinion he thinks is right.
If he doesn't agree at all, he'd do what he wants and quietly does it his way. He doesn't ask for any praise or objection.

He has always been himself.

I learnt that in life, we all have to be Uncle John sometimes.

where do we go from here?

i think maybe it's because i have too few classes per week this semester. it seems like i don't have anything worth looking forward to. i really don't know what's gotten into me.. whatever the case, i want to get rid of this as soon as possible.

plans plans plans but will they really materialise? where am i going from here? at this point i'm at another crossroads once again thinking about what to do with my life; wondering what's in store for me.

what am i meant to do, to accomplish in my life?

and then i don't know what in the world is wrong with me, since i've been going to bed at 10.30pm and waking up at 8.30pm but i'm still so exhausted. my dark eye circles are still at where they belong and as the days pass, i seem to be getting more and more tired. i hope it's not jet-laggedness that's causing me all this. i think the sleep problem has also made me more depressed.

i can't wait for exams to come.. then i would be able to occupy more of my time.

in the mean time, i'll try to go to the gym as much as possible.

reality

after more than 3 months of frolicking all over the world, i'm finally back to where i was.

not sure that i am more receptive to the idea of living alone again; especially since i've experienced what it was like to be cared for by a pseudo mother who is a housewife -- something i have never felt before. my mother often told me some time back that she was willing to drop everything at work to become a housewife for 3 months. unfortunately, i have yet to come back to a home with home-cooked meals waiting for me everyday.

no, don't get me wrong. i don't loathe my mother for not being able to keep to what she said.

it's just that i really wanted to feel that for myself; even if it was just for a week.. not to mention, a day.

but with circumstances and mounting pressures on my mother, i know that it is close to impossible for me to experience that. fortunately Gordon's parents provided the love and care for me and filled the missing piece in my heart. nobody understands how much this means to me, not even Gordon. it's just like how we're accustomed to having a telly at home yet it is a treat for people who never grew up watching the telly.

his mother was a provider of audience to the most heartfelt struggles i've been having for all of my life. she was sympathetic and yet she could empathize with the predicaments i've gone through. i also appreciated how she didn't despise me, since i was shy from the calibre of women her friends' sons have. she treated me like i was her own.

i couldn't be more thankful to his family -- i wonder if it's God's will that brought me to them?





what is the furthest distance?
it is one where you can see and hear; but you can't feel.