sunday

i woke up this morning hoping that i would (finally) be properly rested but to my disappointment, i was more tired than ever.

the problem with me is that i hang out on the bed too much after i wake up. it takes me two hours to finally decide to get my ass out of bed and do something about myself. i figured that i still wasn't well enough to go for a gym session so i set my mind on cleaning the house. although i usually only clean the house once a week, i was somehow motivated by the weather outside. the day had been so sunny and bright. it's seldom that i draw up all of the blinds in the house to let the light come in but i couldn't help that it was such a nice day.

somehow or rather the good weather didn't really influence that much of a mood in me. over time i've started to grow weary of everything; the things i do, the things i've done... the things i think about doing. sometimes i need some kind of reciprocating factor to just give me that little push along the way but things just wouldn't turn out like you'd expect. maybe i need to stop caring so much about what's going to happen in future and let things naturally fall into place... but i am not one who can live life without plans or knowing what's going to happen next.

maybe that's just me trying to play god.

but nobody is god. at the end of the day we just fall prey to one of god's plans. this i believe, can't be changed. no matter how much praying i do every night before i sleep, praying that that lucky girl would be me -- the next morning i wake up as perplexed as ever about my life and i continue to live my life thinking about how i ended up this way.

i look back at my life and see myself slowly going towards the dark side. who can save me and shine the light onto my path of despair?

i want to be happy, no wait; i should be happy no? i've got everything i want but when i look at myself in the mirror i see someone who has nothing.

sunday isn't such a sunny day after all.