heartache

today was a moment in the history of us together. it probably was the first time that we had an official argument.

what sparked it off was stupidness on my part and probably the lack of endorphins in my body. i cried my eyes out for more than 3 hours because i couldn't help that i was so sad and that in the heat of the moment both of us said things that hurt each other.

following our argument on the phone i wept so hard because i kept questioning why he couldn't do that bit more for me and whether the choice to move to hong kong was really the right one. i thought back about the numerous times i felt like i was always placed second in priority whereas my life now revolves around him. i also asked myself if it was right for me to place my life around him; always sitting around the phone hoping that it'll ring.. in fact sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night thinking about whether he'd replied to the emails i sent to him every morning.

but then it struck me that we were two different people in two different situations. he, working, and only getting off in the evening where he tries his best to do whatever he wants in that few hours -- and me, studying, going to classes 3 times a week and getting breaks in between. he is one who can't be cooped up at home whereas i am one who doesn't mind staying at home for 3 days straight.
obviously i have more time to spare thus i'm doing that much more.

question is why do i expect so much from someone that is so different from me? maybe for that moment i feel that he could have done a bit more but for most parts of it, he is after all, human.

i reflected on myself and realised that i've been hysterical over such a tiny matter. the tiny matter was magnified several hundred times bigger because of the time difference and the distance. i shouldn't have done what i did and should have been more understanding. for the millionth time i've said this but haven't been able to do -- i will change the way i think.
it doesn't only take for him to be more sensitive to me but it is also up to me to make us as amicable as possible during these trying times.

my biggest motivation now is that we're already nearing April 2011 -- another 8 months. it may seem like a long time but in between we'd see other for 2 months in the summer and that just shrinks it to another 6 months. we're already 8 months into the relationship; surely we could hang in there for another 6 months?

taking today as a lesson, all i can say is that i'm sorry for all the wasted angst. please forgive me!