conflicts

there has been an increase in internal conflicts that i'm having with myself. i'm fighting the stupidity of my emotions and the actions that have arisen because of such emotions.

he asked me if i was feeling unhappy and truth be told, i am not in the happiest of moods.

to be honest i wondered if my decision to come to london was a right one. till this day i have been thinking over and over and maybe it was because i wanted to escape from singapore thus i made the decision to leave everything behind to start anew. and anew i started but the same old issues came back to haunt me in a different fashion; my emotions have become so complex that i am beginning to lose control.

the internal battle of emotions has also prevented my relationship with Gordon from being the best. many times i felt like i've let him down, let this relationship down -- because i could not control how i acted towards him. i would often get mad when he is off spending time with his family or just plain winding down in his own ways. thereafter i'd feel so bad that i had behaved that way because it isn't any wrong of his to do things that everyone would think is deemed fit. i cannot understand why i feel this way and i cannot control myself. the distance isn't doing myself any favors as i would often think of worst case scenarios whenever things happen and freak myself out unnecessarily.

calling london my second home has probably made things worse for me. whenever i'm back in singapore i don't feel like i'm home anymore. i don't feel like my room is my room, or my things are my things. it just doesn't feel right anymore.
my relationship with my father has weakened so much that i didn't realise that my dad is still an active part of my life until he called me last night.

i had forgotten i had a dad.

then i think about the impending situation where my parents will finally go their separate ways and my dad will finally be on his own. it just deters me from going back home. i don't want to go back to singapore, not even after i graduate and leave london. it seems like i have nowhere else to go.

if i didn't go back to singapore i'd probably disappoint my mother again. another disappointment for her. i think i am her biggest disappointment.

if only someone could tell me the answers to life; how i should approach these problems, how should i control my emotions instead of being overwhelmed by it.