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i'll never forget this day 3 months ago.

i arrived at heathrow airport and i was excited. it was 2 weeks since we met in singapore and i was missing him like crazy. i couldn't wait to clear the immigration and i felt like dashing past the border agency and the arrivals just to see him. after i got my luggage, i exited the declaration point to find a sea of faces waiting for their loved ones to surface from within. there he was; it was obvious where he was, i knew i couldn't miss him. we hugged and kissed for the first time in 2 weeks and soon we were whisked back to my home.

we went for dinner at our favourite haunt -- las iguanas at spitafields market. i was happy then and i'm sure he was too. but seeing each other for the first time since our experience in singapore was weird and we didn't really have our usual conversations. then, i didn't know what our status was; not that i wanted to be known as his girlfriend (i couldn't care less if a single soul in this world didn't know we were together) but i wanted to be his and him to be mine.
following dinner, we had to rush off to royal albert hall because his friend had bought tickets to the BBC proms and we were supposed to meet him there. because we were late, we decided to grab a cab from embankment and while he was phoning his friend, i knew that i was his for sure.

he had mentioned me to his friend as his girlfriend.

i guess he didn't have the slightest idea that i was literally cartwheeling inside. for the time that i was in singapore, this question had been tearing me apart for the longest time and it was then that i knew the answer.

and for once, he held my hand without a doubt. his touch was gentle yet he held me tight.. tight enough to know i that i finally meant something to him.


that night was probably the happiest night of my life.

detach.

i think the skill that every person in a relationship has to learn is to be detached. especially in a long-distance relationship.

i've learnt that maybe sometimes we need to put ourselves before the other. this is something that i haven't been able to master since i've been putting my partner first among any other people. it is a perfectly logical argument but the problem is that when you're giving too much, you tend to lose steam and get tired when you're not getting as much in return.

yes some people might say in a relationship, what you give cannot be expected of in return.

but have you wondered, what about the basic satisfaction of a conventional relationship? when that in essence is lacking then it means that you've been giving too much. that is when becoming detached is a beautiful thing.

i am very much happy in my relationship but unfortunately due to reality, it cannot be as complete as i would like it to be. reality that refers to the harsh realities of the current situation we're in. this has entirely nothing to do with either of us, other than because it's like that. why i call it a problem is because i am a person who needs connection with my other half and without that i would start to think of the crazy and impossible things that may happen. this is something that i'm trying my best to correct and it's also the time where the detachment theory comes into play.

regardless, it's the same as what i said before; i need to be more positive and now to add on, more detached!

stumbling block.

i don't want him to resent this whole routine of us talking everyday.

maybe it's better for us to talk less and for him to have more space. i have a 9am - 4pm schedule whilst he has a 9am - 7pm schedule. 3 hours could make a lot of difference. i have 3 hours more of free time and i sleep much later than he does. guess i have more of a day's worth.

i hate it that i'm behaving this way. i want him to do whatever he wants because it is his life after all. i could be bound to rushing home everyday to skype with him but i don't want to superimpose the same thing on him because he's not as alone as i am. he has friends, a family around him and life, while i don't. i can afford to spend all that time but he can't.

on the other hand,

i feel upset whenever i have expectations. i guess i shouldn't have any expectations at all. the lower the expectations, the lower the disappointment.

so the perfect solution is for me to just leave him as he is and let him come to me if he misses me. i could live with missing him but not calling him. i could. i just don't want him to feel obligated towards me.

i need to dive into my books from tomorrow.

love, even from miles away.

spending saturday having brunch in portobello market could be something relaxing.. that is if there weren't constant streams of people flowing through. squeezing past totally oblivious people who seem like they were deliberately blocking our paths was a nightmare. but being in london without bringing my moms to portobello would probably be an act punishable by law.

5,985 miles away, somewhere in hong kong;

Gordon was calling me from dinner. we talk a lot more during the weekend obviously because we have free schedules (well least we're free-er than weekdays). we don't get to see or kiss or hug each other but simply talking connects us - i always feel like i'm there with him wherever he was and it's unbelievable how that feels especially since i think about him all the time.

7 hours of time differences away, while shopping on oxford street;

every economic decision seem to evolve around how i'd perceive his reaction as to what things he'd think is nice, or not. even when i was shopping for lingerie, i avoided the color green regardless of whether it looked nice, recalling how one afternoon we felt utterly disgusted at everything green we saw on the street.

if i was having a bad day today, it would probably have fizzled out in little less than a minute because he really made my day. he'd called me the second time after i told him i was busy having lunch, to say that he had something important to tell me -- that was how he missed me. it's gestures like these that made me realise how precious he is to me and i learnt about how women are wrong about the perception of men and romance. being romantic isn't about receiving flowers from him or him telling you how much he loves you, but it's these small things that he does for you that shows he really thinks and cares for you.

guess i was wrong about romance after all.

better understand this late than never?

regardless, i'm happy. happier than i can ever be because i've got him by my side even though he really isn't.

love can happen, even from millions of miles and thoughts away.

after 24.

haven't updated my blog in ages! been so busy since my 2 moms came to london... not to mention the switzerland trip we took over last weekend totally ruined my sleeping time, making me tired earlier than ever.

it's been a ride for the past week or so. finally being 24 inevitably made me reflect on what had gone on for those years that had gone by like the wind. so much has changed since i last celebrated turning 23 and before you know it, i'd probably be writing a similar birthday post like this one.

i remember how last october had been such a wreck. my philosophy on shitty september left remnants through to october and obviously i was suffering in silence. all that was, was just tasting the bitterness in my mouth.

this october, life sure feels renewed.

i found someone that i love for so much and nothing would matter as much as him loving me as much as me in return.

what much?

the change in environment has also given me a new lease into the perception of life. something as simple (though technically NOT that simple) as moving to somewhere else can actually be that beneficial. although the same october that's given me positive feelings about life in general had been a teeny bit rough on me, i'm trying to climb out from that darkness i've been trying to get out since forever.. with much success as i want to report.

i do admit that the occasional depression still occurs; it still doesn't beat knowing that he's always there for me. knowing that we're both sacrificing our private times to stay connected means a lot to me and though skepticism buried itself at the back of my mind, i know that i want to take the journey with him.

maybe it's just me being all that immersed in this relationship but i'm sure i don't want this to end. not us. not ever.

i also want to reflect on every single octobers of my life in future and look back to be glad that we're in this together. not sure how the next october would be like but i do hope that by then, this darkness would have decided to leave me finally - for good.

and i love you so.

And I love you so
The people ask me how
How I've lived 'til now
I tell them I don't know

I guess they understand
How lonely life has been
But life began again
The day you took my hand

And yes I know, how lonely life can be
The shadows follow me
And the night won't set me free
But I don't let the evening get me down
Now that you're around me

And you love me too
Your thoughts are just for me
You set my spirit free
I'm happy that you do

The book of life is brief
And once a page is read
All but life is dead
That is my belief

And yes I know, how lonely life can be
The shadows follow me
And the night won't set me free
But I don't let the evening get me down
Now that you're around me

reminiscence

while sitting by the sofa working on my computer i suddenly reminisced about the past.

the first time we kissed was in my home on the sofa. it was unexpected, innocent and yet so pure. i didn't know how he felt but i sure knew that i was electrified with passion once his lips touched mine.

the first time we took self-taken pictures was by london bridge. it was late at night and walking by the thames we took a picture with my nokia. we spent the whole night walking along the thames and kissing whenever we felt like. it was unforgettable.

our first movie was iron man 2 at the imax. we had to pretend we didn't see the movie for fear that one of our friends would be jealous. it was really funny.

the first time we held hands i was overjoyed. it meant that i was going to finally be something important to him. it was important to me.

i miss Gordon so much and i can't wait for the next time that we'd relive all that we've done again.


it'll be soon.

weekend edition.

you know how the financial times has a weekend edition for saturdays and sundays? this is the same for my blog.

the weekend has been boring (as usual) since most of my buds are either away or missing in action. not that it makes a difference as to whether they are here or not, being at home would still assume its utmost imminence.

i spent most of saturday going through over and over again the possible banks and financial institutions that have summer internship openings for 2011. it doesn't really matter whether it was an investment bank or a consumer bank, just as long as i've got both feet into a financial institution before i start my career proper.

the weekend is also something i look forward to now, especially since it's the only time we can skype longer. i always enjoy talking to him, from the day we met i never stopped to enjoy basking in conversations about everything and anything; the occasional disagreement, discoveries about each other, jokes made about others and of course the gossips we'd like to share. there isn't a time that we don't have anything to talk about because we're virtually on the same frequency. i like it that we're tuned to each other

naturally, i've procrastinated doing my chores and would have to spread it out over the course of these couple of days, before my (nit-picky) mom and godmother come to celebrate my birthday. she's been reminding me about how she frowns upon any mould or mildew along the edges of walls, corners.. well basically everywhere and that i'd be in for a huge lecture should she discover anything not up to her standard.

tough times.. tough times...

although i'm really happy that they're coming, i'm feeling a little jittery about their trip here. you know how mothers go on finding reasons to nag at us? i've been lucky to have escaped that for a while and now i'm in for a ride. obviously she ain't gonna be too hard on me (i hope) but i can already imagine her going "why aren't you asleep yet?" at 11pm even though my daily bedtime is little over 1am. then she'd go on telling me how i'm wasting my time up so late (which i'm obviously not) and gives me a lecture on why we should sleep and wake up early. i can hear her nagging at me now.

sunday was basically spent doing more or less nothing, the occasional chat on MSN and watching tv. the day didn't last very long since i got up at 12pm (with the help of Gordon otherwise i would have slept through the afternoon) and before i knew it i was preparing to have dinner while watching downtown abbey. i'm quite liking this kind of sunday even though it's kinda boring but i get to spend time with myself and get all the space i could possibly get.

the outlook for this week is pretty grim. even though mom is coming, i can already picture the mountainous pile of work i have to scale by the end of the week...not to mention that endless reading of FT weekend and sunday times (which of course, i haven't exactly finished). i'm just looking for the weekend trip to switzerland even though traveling is not quite in the (mood) cards.

still, i'll try to strive through this week, then it'll be another week closer to christmas!

my salvation.

i realised that he is the only one who can cure my internal dismal.

i felt really awful when i woke up this morning; as usual i didn't manage to sleep well and there were leftovers from that plate of depression i had late last night. all i wanted to do was just sleep the whole day through but i had no choice than to get up to run some errands.

sitting outside fix coffeeshop drinking iced latte and reading my book was nice. the weather was splendid today. i felt the gentle rays of the sun and soaked up every positive energy i could get from the awesome weather. but my mood these days free falls like a rollercoaster. soon, i was feeling like i was in the depths of the ocean - inexplicable darkness and depression stood overcast.

when Gordon called, i was in the most awful of moods and he told me he'd never heard me so rude to him before. it wasn't that i was rude, i was just really depressed.

i'm so sorry about that deer, i didn't mean it and i hope you'll understand..

15 minutes into the conversation, i was already feeling much better. i felt bad for him always having to cheer me up but it does the trick most of the time. even until now the depression has gone away and i'm feeling more relaxed than ever.

he was the reason i felt sad, but he gives me more reasons to make me happy.

i love you no matter what:)

(and btw, no matter how lonely i feel, two-timing will never be an option for me!)

.

it began with sadness

then sorrow,

followed by anger,

convulsions,

denial...

after which,

nothingness permanently sets in.



don't even know who else is reading this shit i'm writing

meltdown in the making.

things that have been happening of late are just contributing to the meltdown in the making.

upon discovering that i have an absolutely crazy november and december, my inner foundations start to sway and quiver with utmost fear. it isn't that kind of fear that rises like the tide and diminishes when it is low; that fear is one that builds up secretly without you knowing and unleashes it's fury when you least expect it.

the load in school is building up and it can't get any worse when you've got a professor (on wednesdays) that's crazy strict and insists on us reading up on financial times and the sunday times regularly, going around testing us on the knowledge we've (supposedly) gained. not to mention the infinite amount of texts we have to read to keep up with the lectures. i try my best to study through the evening but it's proven to be nothing but failure.

let's be honest here - i'd be lying if i said that i'm totally used to the idea of not having Gordon around. the fact is i still miss him terribly, as much as i did when he first left and i'm trying to slowly cope with this whole lifestyle of us communicating whenever we can. the most ideal situation would be for us to talk all the time but i know it is not a viable option because we both need to live our lives without one another's company. i don't wish for him to rush home everyday just to talk to me but only if he has the time and space to do so. he's also told me to spend more time with friends and go out to have fun but seriously? i hardly have the energy, let alone the mood to do so.

i guess the stress of these couple of weeks has been taking its toll on me. i haven't had the most decent of sleeps in a long time as i often find myself awake at 6am in the morning feeling totally lost and not knowing what to do next. even though i feel uncomfortably tired and restless everyday, i struggle at the notion to sleep anywhere before the 130am time frame. the only comfort i seek now is the daily magic of life -- a splendid cuppa freshly brewed coffee without anything else and it acts as a booster for my entire well-being. i'm glad that i still have some kind of elixir to turn to but i'm not sure how long this coffee fix can sustain positively.

the only driving force that's keeping me going is knowing that i'll be able to spend the holidays closer to home and of course the thought of seeing him for 3 weeks straight. it doesn't matter to me if i only have him for myself for just a couple of hours a day (because that's probably gonna be it when we're eventually together in the same country) but knowing that he's there is good enough a comfort for me.

all i can say to this is: fight on! it'll be worth it when it's over (well least this isn't the worst semester, yet....).

making things work.

it might seem easy in theory but when in practice, everything gets thrown off course.

sometimes when things get a little complicated and juggling between family and your partner is more difficult than a circus act, compromises have to be made. i also learnt that sometimes it's more than making an informed decision -- it's making a decision that satisfies both parties.

i am definitely no professional when it comes to this incredible feat but i think every situation polishes your sensitivity senses to your partner's true feelings and emotions. when you thought that it was something, it turns out to be another.

of course, today came as a surprise to me. my conscience got the better of me and i decided to make decisions of my own without consulting my other half and i guess he didn't take it as good as i thought he would. following that semi-hostile bid goodbye i thought through the whole situation and realised that it wasn't because he was trying to be ridiculous - he just wanted to be with me for as long as time would allow.

at that moment i instantly knew that he really loves me and at that same moment i realised that all relationships are not only about compromises but also about sacrifices. no, they aren't sacrifices that are painful to make and forced on you; but sacrifices that we are willing to make without hesitation because you know that you're doing it for that person who means the world to you.

what more could i ask for?

when birthday presents come early.

i thought that monday was gonna get nothing but blue until a special someone gets his special something sent to me.

when i say something, i do mean some-things.

who knew my birthday - that is due in little less than 2 weeks - could be celebrated a little sooner than expected? i was ecstatic when i knew a parcel had arrived today for me... and my excitement accelerated 10 fold when i saw a smart white box staring at me on top of the post boxes.

it felt light to the touch and didn't really make any substantial jiggles when i shook the box. unfortunately the airway bill on the surface of the box gave away the contents as it read 'plush toy and birthday card' (whom someone most cleverly wrote). in an instance i knew that there was gonna be a hello kitty plush toy and a birthday card for sure. i semi raced/limped home to open that delightful surprise and struggled to open it amongst all the cellophane tape but obviously failed to succeed till i placed down my bags and attempted to have a go at it, proper.

finally putting the key into the lock, the box opened to a green polka-dotted envelope that read "if you're a pig please open this envelope for a treat" in that oh, so familiar, messy handwriting.
in there stood a really pretty card of a cat (furry to touch) that was pushing a present on a cart that wrote 'happy birthday'.
of course i wouldn't give away the contents of the card but he clearly stated that there were 3 gifts. i stared into the box and realised there were only two items. one of which is a really cute hello kitty pouch and the other (oh i wonder what it is?) was wrapped up in hello kitty giftwrap. instinctively i tore off the tracing paper that bound the pouch and unzipped it to find a shiny swarovski bracelet. it was that very bracelet that he tricked me into choosing for someone else (i should have known) and i had previously bought the same bracelet but in a different design for one of our close friends. i was overjoyed because it's the first piece of jewellery he's ever got me and although i don't wear bracelets often, this one's gonna be with me all the time.
unwrapping that 'mysterious' gift revealed a really cute hello kitty plush toy. for one, it's a sleeping kitty (well i know why it is a sleeping kitty) that has like a pink eye-mask strapped over it's head and secondly, it's a new contribution to my kitty collection that is growing slowly (but steadily).

i'm not surprised if i end up with a boxful of plush toys by the end of my stay in london (yippee!).

the early birthday gifts definitely lifted my spirits as i was feeling really down today. the bracelet that i will be wearing from now on, is a reminder that he's really always here with me and i'm sure it will be what makes me happy whenever i feel down.



thank you deer for putting so much effort into my birthday gift (i take what i said back about you and romance) 'cos i really love them! it couldn't have been any better.

---------------------------------------------------------------

i really meant it when i told you i wouldn't mind if you didn't have the time to talk to me.

i'd totally understand.

what he means to me.

as much as i feel excited for Gordon, that fear that i've been repressing is slowly creeping up to me.

it's great we're holding up this whole long distance thing but i'm really not sure about how it will develop in future. i fear that being apart means we can't grow together and we'd be missing out on the tiny details of each other's lives. a tiny detail may not be significant but every single tiny detail put together makes a whole load of difference.

now that he's starting his new job and having lesser time for us, it just makes me wonder what's going to happen next.

i cannot put into words how much he means to me and that sheer fear of losing someone that is too good to be true frightens me. people tell me to be optimistic about my relationship because positivity is the only thing that helps pave success. but these people have failed to understand that saying of 'once bitten twice shy'. it's hard to forget how positive i was about my first relationship and how sure i was that we were going to be soul mates. yet the truth is still staring at me in the eye telling me that that wasn't meant to be.

but what is?

could this be another failing attempt to piece that inner puzzle that i've been trying to solve all my life?

this is my last shot at getting everything back into place; just that i don't know if i should be optimistic about the relationship and risk everything crumbling when you least expect it.
i really want this to work because i love him so much. this relationship has been so enabling; i've never felt this empowered and happy and i don't want to lose this for anything.

whatever it is, i still stand by what i've said before-- i'm going to try as much as i can to keep us together and i will make this work.

and be optimistic about it.

because we'll be happy together till the end of time.

it's moments like these.

now i really understand the meaning of autumn in london.

it goes hysterically windy and the temperature never gets past 14 degrees. not to mention that never ending rain that keeps coming down on this grey and gloomy city. like as if london isn't any gloomier.

it's another one of those stay home days for me. besides making my way to liverpool street to get the ever so common groceries, i've been cooped up at home like a mother hen that's ready to lay her eggs-- the only difference is that i haven't got any eggs to lay (i don't lay eggs btw) and my thigh's swollen like an overstuffed turkey that's ready to explode.

i can only blame myself for this predicament. this injury of mine has rendered me useless for the next week or so and i haven't even got the opportunity to carry out my daily routine of walking to and from school. i find myself stuck with the miserable commuters of london every morning, falling prey to the despicably useless transportation of london, totally incapable of making it to destinations on time. what's more, this injury has ruined my weight-loss plans and has incapacitated my ability to go for netball and my favourite gym classes.

how miserable that must sound to you.

that truly is, following the fact that tv in this city is pretty much crap even though i have over 600 channels on my cable tv.

it's moments like these that make you sit down to melodramatic songs while the rain pours outside, wondering about the mysterious secrets to life. it's a deadly concoction of fear and uncertainty that makes you ponder about what are all human beings made to do in this world and what are we poised to achieve. is it that mundane cycle of coming into this world, growing up to find ourselves studying for almost half of our lifetimes and then working till we become nothing but ashes to earth? or is it some kind of message from the divine power that transcends to us that we must fulfill some kind of goal while we live our lives to the fullest?

if that's the case, what is that goal that i have to fulfill?

this really baffles me.

at the end of the day when we arrive at the finish line, do we get a gold star for everything we've done right and reprimanding for every single detail we messed up?

even so, what is the meaning to this?

would we really attain true happiness if we knew for a fact that if we did everything right (also depending on personal discretion as to what is really right)? who is it to tell us if we've done it correctly?

questions questions questions.

who can give me the real answer?

瓦解

说着笑这的午后，钟声一直在停留
风声静静躺着在诱惑
我一个人在角落，没有你陪伴的我
连寂寞都笑我太懦弱

广场边缘的烟抽，烟雾弥漫你面容
我悄悄背诵你的温柔
喝着加温后的啤酒，这样唯美的镜头
是否只存在故事之中？

在你的身后时间把过去都带走
时间把镜头带走不假思索
回忆不放手

好想再跟你牵着手，牵着你给我的温柔
哭过以后眼泪还是不停的流。