what he means to me.

as much as i feel excited for Gordon, that fear that i've been repressing is slowly creeping up to me.

it's great we're holding up this whole long distance thing but i'm really not sure about how it will develop in future. i fear that being apart means we can't grow together and we'd be missing out on the tiny details of each other's lives. a tiny detail may not be significant but every single tiny detail put together makes a whole load of difference.

now that he's starting his new job and having lesser time for us, it just makes me wonder what's going to happen next.

i cannot put into words how much he means to me and that sheer fear of losing someone that is too good to be true frightens me. people tell me to be optimistic about my relationship because positivity is the only thing that helps pave success. but these people have failed to understand that saying of 'once bitten twice shy'. it's hard to forget how positive i was about my first relationship and how sure i was that we were going to be soul mates. yet the truth is still staring at me in the eye telling me that that wasn't meant to be.

but what is?

could this be another failing attempt to piece that inner puzzle that i've been trying to solve all my life?

this is my last shot at getting everything back into place; just that i don't know if i should be optimistic about the relationship and risk everything crumbling when you least expect it.
i really want this to work because i love him so much. this relationship has been so enabling; i've never felt this empowered and happy and i don't want to lose this for anything.

whatever it is, i still stand by what i've said before-- i'm going to try as much as i can to keep us together and i will make this work.

and be optimistic about it.

because we'll be happy together till the end of time.