meltdown in the making.

things that have been happening of late are just contributing to the meltdown in the making.

upon discovering that i have an absolutely crazy november and december, my inner foundations start to sway and quiver with utmost fear. it isn't that kind of fear that rises like the tide and diminishes when it is low; that fear is one that builds up secretly without you knowing and unleashes it's fury when you least expect it.

the load in school is building up and it can't get any worse when you've got a professor (on wednesdays) that's crazy strict and insists on us reading up on financial times and the sunday times regularly, going around testing us on the knowledge we've (supposedly) gained. not to mention the infinite amount of texts we have to read to keep up with the lectures. i try my best to study through the evening but it's proven to be nothing but failure.

let's be honest here - i'd be lying if i said that i'm totally used to the idea of not having Gordon around. the fact is i still miss him terribly, as much as i did when he first left and i'm trying to slowly cope with this whole lifestyle of us communicating whenever we can. the most ideal situation would be for us to talk all the time but i know it is not a viable option because we both need to live our lives without one another's company. i don't wish for him to rush home everyday just to talk to me but only if he has the time and space to do so. he's also told me to spend more time with friends and go out to have fun but seriously? i hardly have the energy, let alone the mood to do so.

i guess the stress of these couple of weeks has been taking its toll on me. i haven't had the most decent of sleeps in a long time as i often find myself awake at 6am in the morning feeling totally lost and not knowing what to do next. even though i feel uncomfortably tired and restless everyday, i struggle at the notion to sleep anywhere before the 130am time frame. the only comfort i seek now is the daily magic of life -- a splendid cuppa freshly brewed coffee without anything else and it acts as a booster for my entire well-being. i'm glad that i still have some kind of elixir to turn to but i'm not sure how long this coffee fix can sustain positively.

the only driving force that's keeping me going is knowing that i'll be able to spend the holidays closer to home and of course the thought of seeing him for 3 weeks straight. it doesn't matter to me if i only have him for myself for just a couple of hours a day (because that's probably gonna be it when we're eventually together in the same country) but knowing that he's there is good enough a comfort for me.

all i can say to this is: fight on! it'll be worth it when it's over (well least this isn't the worst semester, yet....).