the friendship bracelet project.

a close friend of mine is doing a project for giving something very meaningful this christmas.

do you remember the times in secondary school where we'd always make friendship bracelets for our best friends (or at least for people that we like)? if you were a pro at it you might want to have a go at making a friendship bracelet (or two) for orphans in Uganda.

it wouldn't take you an astronomic amount of time to make one; what's more it's for a good cause.

if you want to find out more about it:

http://whenpenmeetspaper.wordpress.com/2010/12/11/the-friendship-bracelet-project/

just make sure you have a photo of yourself with your name, occupation and a few words for the orphan(s) at the back of the photo together with your friendship bracelet(s).

email me at victoriayow@yahoo.com if you want to contribute to this project and i will collate to pass them on.

give something meaningful this christmas.

all that goes on during an exam.

as i rubbed my tired eyes, i stared out of the window.

it was 8 am and i was on the overground on my way to stratford to change to the jubilee line and then on the docklands light rail. the sun was just about peeking out of the clouds and everything was tinted a hue of orange as i finally felt that calmness ripple within me. i had only managed a 2.5 hour power sleep because of the nerves that were getting to me so many nights before.

the weather didn't feel like it but it was in fact -2 degrees as i see remnants of snow all along the pavements. this time i was equipped for whatever mother nature was going to throw at me because everything that goes on across the river thames is that much harsher. i arrived at the centre 30 minutes later and there already were birds earlier than i, flipping madly through their notes before the exam at 10 am. i wish i hadn't fall victim to the mad rush of last minute studying but it seemed as if whatever i studied just went in from the left and came back out from the right.

after 1 hour of studying i figured that that was it. i chucked all my notes back into my bag and navigated my way to the toilet before heading to the exam hall.

it was crazy. there were at least 3,000 desks and chairs lined up in an orderly fashion. i tried to find my desk amidst the chaos of it all and chucked my belongings to the back of the hall (which is probably 2 minutes away) before i made myself comfortable on my seat. reality of the exam began to set in and my stomach was doing incessant cartwheels inside.

15 minutes later, the exam commenced. i turned the booklet over to reveal all the questions and realised that i knew all that they were asking. but my mind was tossed like a caesar salad as all that i knew were mixed up. i couldn't organise my mind. it made me so nervous i was going to hyperventilate. not to mention i was so tired from the lack of sleep that it was catching up to me. to make matters worse, somebody sitting near me had horrendous body odor and there was this constant stench lingering ever so often in the air. i just couldn't place my finger on who it really was coming from.

45 minutes into the exam, i was getting my act together and managed to finish a question. a quarter of the way in, i was having stomachaches.. good enough to render some toilet business. the toilet was probably 5 minutes away. i did a quick mental calculation and realised i would waste 15 minutes for a toilet visit so i told myself to hold it in.

fighting back the bowel movements and never-ending body odor, i managed to press on and finished all of the questions in record time and speed and unbelievably wrote 40 pages worth of stuff within 3.5 hours. following the exam, i felt as if a load had been removed from my shoulders.

best of all, perfect weather welcomed me as i walked out of the exam centre.

what now?

1.5 days to a MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR exam.

what now?

i am literally on the edge of pulling my hair out because of the frustration that lack of sleep has given me. i went to bed at only 6am this morning and got up half past 12 feeling utter exhaustion and a combustable series of emotions. not sure how i was going to tackle this insomnia but it is surely getting to me. i cannot explain enough about how i have no mood for anything or to talk to anyone.

i guess, this is what people call it as tough times.

白杨木影子被拉长 像我对你的思念走不完
原来我从未 习惯 你已不在我身旁

frustration

i think this is where murphy's law kicks in.

even though it's only 9 days to the flight back home, every single day passes so slow, that it's like 度日如年. having exams during this time is really taking the toll out of me. i am only taking one meal a day because i have absolutely no interest in food whatsoever. getting to sleep is also almost impossible now; i have countless things going on in my mind every time i yearn for some shut-eye.

i know, i just have to hang in for the remaining 9 days and then i'll be granted salvation.

but this wait is doing me no good. i have to keep motivating myself to get over and done with studying so that i don't get that feeling like i'm gonna meet the fat man every time i get past a paper.

i also realised that my days are getting more and more uneventful -- so much as to not gain enough interest to fill up a post. it is that same routine of me waking up at ridiculous times in midday and going out for a coffee fix, then coming home to skype with Gordon, then study (or rather i TRY to) and then sleep (TRY VERY HARD TO). my only comfort is dinner time where i think about what to eat and come up with some new recipe that i eventually photograph and post on my food blog. it is my only de-stress solution.

glad i still have something to look forward to.

just as i was skyping with Gordon we came to this topic about how we'd react to seeing each other again after more than 2 months apart. i didn't know that he was thinking the same as i was. it just feels weird no? we're so close in thoughts yet physically so far apart. nevertheless, i'm so excited.

all the way, last minute wrap buddha leg!

i love you mom.

Victoria says: (AM 02:14:21)
ok goodnight

Victoria says: (AM 02:14:27)
love u deep deep under the sea

Geok Lui says: (AM 02:14:29)
ok goodnight baby

Geok Lui says: (AM 02:14:38)
have a good rest and sweet dream

Geok Lui says: (AM 02:14:40)
i mmiss you alot

Geok Lui says: (AM 02:14:45)
bye

Victoria says: (AM 02:14:45)
ME TOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Geok Lui says: (AM 02:15:01)
go to bed

Geok Lui says: (AM 02:15:07)
waiting for you to come home


i miss you too mom. love you.

the final countdown

writing the title of this post instantly had Europe's "The Final Countdown" in my head.

i can't believe we're finally treading within the regions of december. it seemed like only last week that 2010 kicked off to a blasting start and yet we're now beginning to buy our 2011 diaries. god knows what's gonna happen in the new year, i hope spectacular things it will be.

at present i'm still trying to fight off that annoying time of the month. for some particular reason it is getting increasing arduous for my pain threshold to keep up with the pain piling up every month it happens. if it weren't for sheryl i'd probably have died of pain in my apartment without anybody's realisation. she was the deliverer of ponstan, this ever so vile form of pain killer, and of course a hot water bottle to make me all that much better. i couldn't believe that it was so hard for me to fall asleep and i drifted off only to find myself dreaming that i had stomach cramps (which in reality was actually happening) and woke up to even worse cramps than the night before.

i had managed a miserly 4 hours of rest.

with the help of friendly (and poisonous) ponstan, i've managed to live past the worst of pains and am now sitting infront of my computer, wording my thoughts while trying to shake myself to reality that the exams are dangerously looming. i have officially 1 more week before the next round of exams jump start to life and to be honest i am probably the most underprepared student of the entire lot. not to mention the thought of that treacherous journey to the docklands for my exams (where winds blow at probably 100/mph) (and mind you they are blisteringly cold winds) is just putting me off.

today was eventful for me because it was probably the first time in my life i told myself that i needed to get psychiatric help (before you decide to ditch me as a friend, hear me out) for the depression that i've been experiencing all my life. it is only now during this immense stress that signs of depression are starting to show and i'm really trying my best to not let it extend beyond the containable state.

trust me, it can get pretty bad.

and without any surprise i was preparing myself to break down ever so often during the session and i did, many times. i couldn't contain my emotions to the point that sometimes i felt embarrassed that i was tearing so much. it really tore me up to bring up so many years of emotional backlog, of which i took that many years to bury it in the closet that i was never to explore again. i'm not sure how this would help me rearrange my emotions, let alone have an expectation that i would gain happiness out of this experience. i'm still willing to put my money on it.

nocturne in the night.

jester through the silent night, that nocturne dances grace and poise.
then and again, i sit there thinking about the infinite night,
where stars shine and glisten in the deep dark canvas of royal navy blue;
the stars like specks of silver dust.
moonlight glazes the icy lake with its milky gleam.
shards of winter pierce the surface, rippling through the sleet.
the ripples, oh, so calming, yet with wisdom so deep.

food blog

i've started a food blog!

www.letfoodsaveus.blogspot.com

the heat (frost) is on.

i must say i didn't recall london to be this frosty the same time last year. i was out the entire of yesterday and i was trying to gather any warmth i could get from my belly fat (as what Gordon would recommend me to do) to disperse to the rest of my body.

obviously it doesn't work this way.

oxford and regent street was pedestrianised yesterday and it was awesome. i enjoyed walking on the road while shopping because it's virtually impossible to squeeze thousands of people on the miserable walkways of the high street. it felt great to have that christmassy feeling all of central london although it was slightly annoying to try and get your way around the crowds especially in shops.

it was -2 yesterday and i didn't expect the weather to go below 0 so i guess i was more or less under-dressed. that explains why i'm sitting at home today trying to prevent my cold from extending into it's misdemeanor. being sick also prevented myself from burying my head into the books.

i can't wait for 15 december to come. it'd be the last day of my exams and the day that i fly back home. i wonder how it'll be like to be back home after 5 months. though not a long time but it sure felt like years ago since i left home and i miss all my family and friends and of course the food!
the hong kong trip over christmas and new year is also getting me excited since i haven't seen Gordon since forever and i haven't been in hong kong for more than 2 years. the last time i was there was after i ended my relationship of five years and nothing made me happy whatsoever. that was probably the reason why i had a 'not so good' impression on the food because i was disinterested in anything.

still,

the inter-city competition doesn't stop because it's fun! although i am not a big fan of singapore, i refuse to give in to those hong kong people who think their city is better than ours! we'd often find positives of our home country to diss each other.
now that i think about it, maybe i should let hong kong win since they're now part of the communists.

i don't want to get shot.

yet another setback

it was today that i found out from my school that i have to return to london for a mentoring project meeting on the 29th of january.

that simply means that it is almost impossible (supposedly that everything is exponential) for me to stay in singapore for chinese new year. this really upsets me because of all the festivals and holidays in a year, chinese new years and christmases are at the top of my list. another thing that gets me upset is because of this i would have to cut short my stay in hk which has led myself and Gordon to be extremely disappointed. not to mention he wouldn't be able to meet my family during the cny festivities.

i can safely say that cny probably defines itself as the yearly family get-together ritual. even though a part of that ritual has crumbled with time.

ten years ago, chinese new year would consist of the very important reunion dinners on the eve of the big day and of course the actual days where we don our new clothes (yes, my mom is still adamant about upholding that tradition) and visit our elders; some, were never to be seen or heard for years and years until cny.
during the eve, i would be incredibly busy tearing myself between dad's parents and mom's parents. we'd have reunion lunch and maternal granny's; which typically consisted of steamboat (accompanied by a whole myriad of meats, seafood, vegetables and what-nots), roast and stewed duck, roast chicken, fried chicken wings and nuggets, fried rice noodles, rice, pig's stomach soup with salted vegetables and of course my gran's famous five-spice meat rolls (or so we call it 'ngoh hiang'). if that menu didn't stuff you, reunion dinner would be a sit-down dinner at paternal granny's of stir-fried prawns, roast duck and chicken, 2 kinds of vegetables, steamed fish, stewed mushroom with fatt choy (no idea what that is in english), jumbo chicken drumsticks and lotus root soup.
during chinese new year itself was the best bit as we get red packets (probably the best thing of cny). i also enjoyed visiting people a lot (no, not because the more people you visit the more red packets you get) and that festivity you get everywhere in singapore. on the second day we'd have my paternal family over at ours and all of us would spend real family time together; something that only happens once a year.

now, chinese new year still incorporates the same feast we have on the eve but to my dismal and discovery of the real truth, only the reunion lunch exists.
last year, i walked into my paternal uncle's house (where we usually have reunion dinners at) to find that only a bowl of soup and a few pieces of unwanted chicken was left for me. nobody really cared about my existence ever since my parents officially divorced. it was hard to take. i am officially stranded between two continents.

even so, i'm glad that i still have my best maternal cousins and relatives who genuinely care for me and want me to be part of the family. nothing beats my cousins who have been there for me even when i am so far away and that bond between us never did break even though we don't have constant communication.

i can only hope that i will still make it for the next chinese new year; otherwise i'd probably be unable to see my family till the end of 2011!

상어를 사랑한 인어

did i make a mistake?

maybe going for what i love was a mistake.

for some reason that scene kept running in my mind.
that faithful day somewhere in late may.

it was pouring.
we met for dinner at the pub.
dinner was our usual steaks.
he told me that he wasn't ready.
my eyes welled with tears.


everything that i knew before seem to have been blown out of proportion.
i don't think i know myself anymore.
maybe it's time for me to find myself again.

maybe this is the secret to finding sleep.

bitter.sweet

it's undeniable that love is such a sensitive and fragile thing. you'll never know when it would become jeopardised by the very means of your own actions.

as innocent as these actions may seem, we still have to pay a price for them.

but it's through these trials and tribulations that we discover ourselves and our other half - it being part and parcel of the growing process. every single of such events would be recorded into the relationship book and our mind takes references from them every now and then.

i have learnt and will continue the journey to knowing you.

of late i realised how much my thought process has degenerated. i'm no longer that nimble when it comes to thoughts and systematic process flows. i cannot mention how i've deteriorated since the school days where managing 8 subjects didn't seem to be that much of a stress. now it's so daunting, the prospect of having to handle 8 closely packed exams over the course of 3 weeks.
at the same time i'm battling insomnia that always comes whenever i'm feeling stressed. it's so frustrating when after 2 hours you're lying on the bed stark awake.

of course, so far i'm still surviving.

i keep thinking about how it's all going to be over in little less than 3 weeks and before i know it i would be on the red eye back to singapore. i cannot wait for that day to come.

i also cannot wait for the day that i'll see Gordon again. every night before i (try to) go to bed the scene where i see him at the arrivals and we embrace just replays in my head. over and over again. like a spoilt record.

bitter sweet torture.

생일 축하해!

it's a special day today for a special someone.

i'm glad it's finally here because for some reason, i'm feeling so happy even though it isn't my birthday! on the other hand, because i'm a girl i get the right to make this day my birthday too... 1 month post-birthday birthday!:)

i thought long and hard about what to give Gordon as a birthday gift. it isn't easy (trust me) especially since his hobbies are either really expensive or just plain hard to get. months before this special day, i was just brainstorming a list of items that would be suitable to give to him even though i know he'd like anything i give... and then i came up with the perfect plan.

i was gonna do a handmade scrapbook of the pictures of places that we've been and things that we did. i was sure that it would be a very special gesture.

and this was what i did:







and he loved it! (thank god)

happy birthday to you deerest Gordon:)

love you before, now and always! <3

relationships

my latest tv craze is four weddings on living tv. it's basically an hour long programme where four brides sign up to attend each other's weddings and at the end of each wedding, score it based on venue, wedding dress, food and overall experience. it would probably be the programme to watch for a potential bride to get tips for her own wedding but on the other hand, sometimes i watch and cringe.

like seriously? some women just don't know what they are getting into.

some women chose to marry men who look like they are druggies ODed on coke whilst others look like they married a slough. i'm not an expert when it comes to relationships but i'm quite sure they will eventually regret their decision.
it's not only women who make such mistakes.
occasionally, there were men who think their wives to be such angels but they turn out to be women who hid their horns well.

of course all these analyses is possible because of the fact that i was watching these women from the outside. as they say, 旁觀者清 - and it couldn't be better said. i've been in such a relationship before. i was so in love that i couldn't see what was right or wrong for me. when the ugly truth finally revealed itself, it was too late.

and yet the sad truth is time and time again, women make this same mistake knowingly. it's not that men are such douche bags but it is another sad truth that women sometimes are just plain stupid. i've heard the same kinds of stories before and i'm sure that i will continue to hear those stories in the future.

is it so hard for us women to find the perfect man?

sometimes it isn't the perfect men we have to find but to find that common sense that all of us have inside; that is to leave the relationship when our common sense tells us so. sounds so simple but in fact, it is so hard.

well safe to say, i haven't the need to get my common senses tingling because i'm happily in an almost perfect relationship. i also choose to believe that women are starting to be the smarter species when it comes to scumbags and relationships. not to mention that men are beginning to fall prey to women.

at the end of the day, we have to accept the fact that it is getting harder and harder to be in a perfect relationship and be with the one you're truly in love with. but i still want to believe that it is (even with the increasing difficulty) a definite possibility.

fireworks

there was the annual lord mayor's show on saturday.

it is a historical event that dates back some 800 years ago, where the newly elected mayor had to show himself to the public and thus, journey up river from the city to westminster. through this journey, the mayor had to weather different predicaments such as fires, wars and insurrections. over the years, the mayor's journey became so splendid that it was known as the Lord Mayor's show.

i got up pretty late on saturday because of the messed up body clock of mine. now that i've started studying i have reverted to the studying timing; which is sleeping really really late and waking really really late too. i decided that i wanted to get some stuff from covent garden and wasn't too keen on topping up my oyster card so i resorted to taking one of those boris bikes. the best thing was that because of the parade procession happening through the city, the route that i was supposed to take was closed to all vehicles and before i knew it, i was cycling through the empty city streets of london.

it was exceptionally crowded at covent garden due to the event that was going on throughout the day, not to mention that it was a saturday. i fought my way through the crowds to search for the shop that sold what i wanted to get. before long, my legs brought me to chinatown where i took a walk through the hustle and bustle of it all. sheryl then called me to ask if i was interested to join her for fireworks. my original plan was to walk to millenium bridge to catch the fireworks by myself. i eventually succumbed to her invitation.

we met up with james and walked to waterloo bridge. needless to say, much of the bridge was packed with people who were early and managed to grab a superb view from the bridge as the fireworks were going to be set off from a barge off the thames. we didn't have a choice but to stand behind the sea of heads because we barely made it before the show started.

naturally, i was feeling kinda awful because sheryl had james with her but they tried their best to make me feel that i wasn't left out. of course, it didn't really help and i couldn't stop thinking about Gordon and how nice it would be if we 2 couples could be watching the fireworks together. incidentally, there was an empty spot next to me... and it felt like he was standing there beside me.

as thoughts ran through my mind, the fireworks began its deafening explosion into the night sky. the beautiful array of green, red, white and gold sparks filled the sky. in an instant, there was a flurry of brightness and before you know it, it dissolved into the night.

watching the sky fill itself with that spectacle, i couldn't help but be touched by the beautiful sight. some part of me felt sad... i was overwhelmed by that sense of longing deep down inside.

i felt that familiar sensation roll down my right cheek.

as i was overcome with emotion, sheryl turned to me and said "eh, happy national day la!"

i couldn't help but laugh.

happiness is just a video call away.

i cannot imagine what i'll do if there wasn't such thing as skype.

if i had an opportunity, i'd seize it to endorse the brand. i'd do everything skype. talk skype, walk skype, eat skype, sleep skype.

(not sure how i'd do that though)

having a video call is probably the happiest thing that could occur to me in a day. i love how we'd show each other stuff that we've just bought or things we want each other to see. it's also nice to look at him when he's talking.. because i've always loved to look at him, so animated and so full of life.

of course, nothing could make me miss him less!

i am enjoying have the house to myself. it's been almost 1.5 weeks since my housemate left and i'm happy messing up the house without needing to clean up immediately. i'm also loving how i can have the tv all to myself and record my tv programmes as and when i want. i guess this happiness won't last for long cos she's gonna be back on the 22nd of this month (bummer!) but the good thing is that i'm leaving for singapore soon after she returns. it's all gonna be good! moreover she's starting her job (which means she's having lesser time at home unlike NOW) and i'll be at home a lot of the time.

anyway... i'm counting down the days to when i'll see my Gordon again! *ecstatic*

if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me and just forget the world?

missing.

it's been almost 2 months since we've been apart. i can't stop to think about how i managed to live my life the past 2 months without him by my side. kinda feels like half of me had been displaced and i just can't seem to get that part of me back.

long distance relationship is such a bitch.

not to mention daylight savings just made our clocks go back by 1 hour and it seems like things got a whole lot more complicated with just an extra hour of time difference.

on the other hand, i'm glad that he's been adjusting well back home. nothing beats knowing that he's not feeling as awful as i am constantly feeling, even though i am just starting to get used to this.

as i was talking to sheryl last night over a cosy sofa dinner, she told me how her friend (who's in a ldr as well) would describe every single parting from her boyfriend was even harder than the previous. i wouldn't be surprised if it's really true. nevertheless, i'm still so looking forward to seeing him again after what would potentially be 3 months apart. of course, it'll be worse next year because we'll probably see each other only 6 months later.
it's funny how i tried to tell myself to cherish him more when he was still by my side and i tried my best to but it seems that it wasn't enough. i'm beginning to forget how it feels to have my hands held by him, his smell is starting to fade and even the memory of his warm touch seems to be diminishing as the times go by.

i don't want to forget; but my brain isn't helping me...

on the other hand,
i am having it better than others. at least we've got plans for our future (or at least i think i make those plans?) and all i have to do is to hang in there for the next year or so and we've got everything going for us. it's things like these that keeps me going every single day. i live to fight this battle.

losing is not an option

on a separate note;

i have been starting this rigorous exercise regiment that is starting to take a toll on my body because i've been feeling really tired even though exercise is supposed to make you feel more energetic. maybe it's because i haven't been exercising for the past month and it'll probably take awhile for my body to adjust the sudden influx of strenuous activities. i have been making a point to spend at least 2 hours in the gym daily and trying to cut down on the sugary items that have always been my weakest link. although i don't really have much time left to lose weight before december, i'm quite confident that if i keep this up, i would be able to shed a decent amount of weight.

in addition to the exercise regiment, i've been trying to establish another obligatory regiment: studying. as hard as it seems, i've been making some (slow) progress which is increasing my confidence for the first paper that's coming up on the 16th. of course the papers in november aren't THAT important, it is still important for me that i get really good grades to make sure i keep my degree at 2:1 and above. this is another battle i'm living to fight.

so many battles in life!

everyone has their fair share of battles and we live to fight them.
if we just persevere, we'll gain victory in every single one.

i'm confident that i will be victorious. moreover, my name says it all.

i dreamed a dream

i dreamed a dream in time gone by
when hope was high and life worth living
i dreamed that love would never die
i dreamed that God would be forgiving

then I was young and unafraid
when dreams were made and used and wasted.
there was no ransom to be paid
no song unsung, no wine untasted.

he slept a summer by my side
he filled my days with endless wonder
he took my childhood in his stride

but he was gone when autumn came.

and still i dream he'll come to me
that we will live the years together
but there are dreams that cannot be
and there are storms we cannot weather

while i stay here all alone
i keep that dream burning alive
where you'll be here when storms arrive
and we will weather them together

no matter how hard life would be
just know that our dreams will be fulfilled
together we can make them happen
and live the years your hand in mine.

advent of winter.

it's unbelievable what difference a day makes.

yesterday, london had experienced dusk at a little under 6pm. today, as i was walking home from school at half 4, it was turning dark.

it is the advent of winter and as steady as it looks, it's on its way.

this is the time of year where every part of this world i live in is having shorter days and longer nights. it is also the time of year where the unforgiving icy winds sweep through the country and all in its way.

nostalgia winds me up as i ponder back to the time where i was right where i am but never expecting to be doing what 2010 has brought me to do. 1 year ago i arrived in heathrow airport for the first time in my life and getting around the ever so 'efficient' tube system of london was an absolute nightmare. it was also this time 1 year ago where i met friends whom i never thought would be one of the most important people in my life.

i also thought about how the past year had been my journey through strange twists of fate. if it weren't for all these people and how our walks of life met, i wouldn't have met Gordon, whom is someone i share my emotions with, someone i love, my best friend and everything more.

walking through the high streets of holborn today, i began to appreciate the idea of winter; it is a time where everything goes into hibernation, life hides away in the warmth of comfort, away from the hostile and brutal weather. it is also a time where things come to an end and awaits a new start, how we start the concluding pages to the end of our yearbooks. i've never seen winter in such a meaningful way (not to mention for the last 20 years of my life i've been living in a tropical island) because of how depressing winter always seems.

where there is a start, there's always an end.

as much as i wish for spring to make its debut in the new year, i'd like to revel in the chills of winter -- as unpleasant as it might sound.

3

i'll never forget this day 3 months ago.

i arrived at heathrow airport and i was excited. it was 2 weeks since we met in singapore and i was missing him like crazy. i couldn't wait to clear the immigration and i felt like dashing past the border agency and the arrivals just to see him. after i got my luggage, i exited the declaration point to find a sea of faces waiting for their loved ones to surface from within. there he was; it was obvious where he was, i knew i couldn't miss him. we hugged and kissed for the first time in 2 weeks and soon we were whisked back to my home.

we went for dinner at our favourite haunt -- las iguanas at spitafields market. i was happy then and i'm sure he was too. but seeing each other for the first time since our experience in singapore was weird and we didn't really have our usual conversations. then, i didn't know what our status was; not that i wanted to be known as his girlfriend (i couldn't care less if a single soul in this world didn't know we were together) but i wanted to be his and him to be mine.
following dinner, we had to rush off to royal albert hall because his friend had bought tickets to the BBC proms and we were supposed to meet him there. because we were late, we decided to grab a cab from embankment and while he was phoning his friend, i knew that i was his for sure.

he had mentioned me to his friend as his girlfriend.

i guess he didn't have the slightest idea that i was literally cartwheeling inside. for the time that i was in singapore, this question had been tearing me apart for the longest time and it was then that i knew the answer.

and for once, he held my hand without a doubt. his touch was gentle yet he held me tight.. tight enough to know i that i finally meant something to him.


that night was probably the happiest night of my life.

detach.

i think the skill that every person in a relationship has to learn is to be detached. especially in a long-distance relationship.

i've learnt that maybe sometimes we need to put ourselves before the other. this is something that i haven't been able to master since i've been putting my partner first among any other people. it is a perfectly logical argument but the problem is that when you're giving too much, you tend to lose steam and get tired when you're not getting as much in return.

yes some people might say in a relationship, what you give cannot be expected of in return.

but have you wondered, what about the basic satisfaction of a conventional relationship? when that in essence is lacking then it means that you've been giving too much. that is when becoming detached is a beautiful thing.

i am very much happy in my relationship but unfortunately due to reality, it cannot be as complete as i would like it to be. reality that refers to the harsh realities of the current situation we're in. this has entirely nothing to do with either of us, other than because it's like that. why i call it a problem is because i am a person who needs connection with my other half and without that i would start to think of the crazy and impossible things that may happen. this is something that i'm trying my best to correct and it's also the time where the detachment theory comes into play.

regardless, it's the same as what i said before; i need to be more positive and now to add on, more detached!

stumbling block.

i don't want him to resent this whole routine of us talking everyday.

maybe it's better for us to talk less and for him to have more space. i have a 9am - 4pm schedule whilst he has a 9am - 7pm schedule. 3 hours could make a lot of difference. i have 3 hours more of free time and i sleep much later than he does. guess i have more of a day's worth.

i hate it that i'm behaving this way. i want him to do whatever he wants because it is his life after all. i could be bound to rushing home everyday to skype with him but i don't want to superimpose the same thing on him because he's not as alone as i am. he has friends, a family around him and life, while i don't. i can afford to spend all that time but he can't.

on the other hand,

i feel upset whenever i have expectations. i guess i shouldn't have any expectations at all. the lower the expectations, the lower the disappointment.

so the perfect solution is for me to just leave him as he is and let him come to me if he misses me. i could live with missing him but not calling him. i could. i just don't want him to feel obligated towards me.

i need to dive into my books from tomorrow.

love, even from miles away.

spending saturday having brunch in portobello market could be something relaxing.. that is if there weren't constant streams of people flowing through. squeezing past totally oblivious people who seem like they were deliberately blocking our paths was a nightmare. but being in london without bringing my moms to portobello would probably be an act punishable by law.

5,985 miles away, somewhere in hong kong;

Gordon was calling me from dinner. we talk a lot more during the weekend obviously because we have free schedules (well least we're free-er than weekdays). we don't get to see or kiss or hug each other but simply talking connects us - i always feel like i'm there with him wherever he was and it's unbelievable how that feels especially since i think about him all the time.

7 hours of time differences away, while shopping on oxford street;

every economic decision seem to evolve around how i'd perceive his reaction as to what things he'd think is nice, or not. even when i was shopping for lingerie, i avoided the color green regardless of whether it looked nice, recalling how one afternoon we felt utterly disgusted at everything green we saw on the street.

if i was having a bad day today, it would probably have fizzled out in little less than a minute because he really made my day. he'd called me the second time after i told him i was busy having lunch, to say that he had something important to tell me -- that was how he missed me. it's gestures like these that made me realise how precious he is to me and i learnt about how women are wrong about the perception of men and romance. being romantic isn't about receiving flowers from him or him telling you how much he loves you, but it's these small things that he does for you that shows he really thinks and cares for you.

guess i was wrong about romance after all.

better understand this late than never?

regardless, i'm happy. happier than i can ever be because i've got him by my side even though he really isn't.

love can happen, even from millions of miles and thoughts away.

after 24.

haven't updated my blog in ages! been so busy since my 2 moms came to london... not to mention the switzerland trip we took over last weekend totally ruined my sleeping time, making me tired earlier than ever.

it's been a ride for the past week or so. finally being 24 inevitably made me reflect on what had gone on for those years that had gone by like the wind. so much has changed since i last celebrated turning 23 and before you know it, i'd probably be writing a similar birthday post like this one.

i remember how last october had been such a wreck. my philosophy on shitty september left remnants through to october and obviously i was suffering in silence. all that was, was just tasting the bitterness in my mouth.

this october, life sure feels renewed.

i found someone that i love for so much and nothing would matter as much as him loving me as much as me in return.

what much?

the change in environment has also given me a new lease into the perception of life. something as simple (though technically NOT that simple) as moving to somewhere else can actually be that beneficial. although the same october that's given me positive feelings about life in general had been a teeny bit rough on me, i'm trying to climb out from that darkness i've been trying to get out since forever.. with much success as i want to report.

i do admit that the occasional depression still occurs; it still doesn't beat knowing that he's always there for me. knowing that we're both sacrificing our private times to stay connected means a lot to me and though skepticism buried itself at the back of my mind, i know that i want to take the journey with him.

maybe it's just me being all that immersed in this relationship but i'm sure i don't want this to end. not us. not ever.

i also want to reflect on every single octobers of my life in future and look back to be glad that we're in this together. not sure how the next october would be like but i do hope that by then, this darkness would have decided to leave me finally - for good.

and i love you so.

And I love you so
The people ask me how
How I've lived 'til now
I tell them I don't know

I guess they understand
How lonely life has been
But life began again
The day you took my hand

And yes I know, how lonely life can be
The shadows follow me
And the night won't set me free
But I don't let the evening get me down
Now that you're around me

And you love me too
Your thoughts are just for me
You set my spirit free
I'm happy that you do

The book of life is brief
And once a page is read
All but life is dead
That is my belief

And yes I know, how lonely life can be
The shadows follow me
And the night won't set me free
But I don't let the evening get me down
Now that you're around me

reminiscence

while sitting by the sofa working on my computer i suddenly reminisced about the past.

the first time we kissed was in my home on the sofa. it was unexpected, innocent and yet so pure. i didn't know how he felt but i sure knew that i was electrified with passion once his lips touched mine.

the first time we took self-taken pictures was by london bridge. it was late at night and walking by the thames we took a picture with my nokia. we spent the whole night walking along the thames and kissing whenever we felt like. it was unforgettable.

our first movie was iron man 2 at the imax. we had to pretend we didn't see the movie for fear that one of our friends would be jealous. it was really funny.

the first time we held hands i was overjoyed. it meant that i was going to finally be something important to him. it was important to me.

i miss Gordon so much and i can't wait for the next time that we'd relive all that we've done again.


it'll be soon.

weekend edition.

you know how the financial times has a weekend edition for saturdays and sundays? this is the same for my blog.

the weekend has been boring (as usual) since most of my buds are either away or missing in action. not that it makes a difference as to whether they are here or not, being at home would still assume its utmost imminence.

i spent most of saturday going through over and over again the possible banks and financial institutions that have summer internship openings for 2011. it doesn't really matter whether it was an investment bank or a consumer bank, just as long as i've got both feet into a financial institution before i start my career proper.

the weekend is also something i look forward to now, especially since it's the only time we can skype longer. i always enjoy talking to him, from the day we met i never stopped to enjoy basking in conversations about everything and anything; the occasional disagreement, discoveries about each other, jokes made about others and of course the gossips we'd like to share. there isn't a time that we don't have anything to talk about because we're virtually on the same frequency. i like it that we're tuned to each other

naturally, i've procrastinated doing my chores and would have to spread it out over the course of these couple of days, before my (nit-picky) mom and godmother come to celebrate my birthday. she's been reminding me about how she frowns upon any mould or mildew along the edges of walls, corners.. well basically everywhere and that i'd be in for a huge lecture should she discover anything not up to her standard.

tough times.. tough times...

although i'm really happy that they're coming, i'm feeling a little jittery about their trip here. you know how mothers go on finding reasons to nag at us? i've been lucky to have escaped that for a while and now i'm in for a ride. obviously she ain't gonna be too hard on me (i hope) but i can already imagine her going "why aren't you asleep yet?" at 11pm even though my daily bedtime is little over 1am. then she'd go on telling me how i'm wasting my time up so late (which i'm obviously not) and gives me a lecture on why we should sleep and wake up early. i can hear her nagging at me now.

sunday was basically spent doing more or less nothing, the occasional chat on MSN and watching tv. the day didn't last very long since i got up at 12pm (with the help of Gordon otherwise i would have slept through the afternoon) and before i knew it i was preparing to have dinner while watching downtown abbey. i'm quite liking this kind of sunday even though it's kinda boring but i get to spend time with myself and get all the space i could possibly get.

the outlook for this week is pretty grim. even though mom is coming, i can already picture the mountainous pile of work i have to scale by the end of the week...not to mention that endless reading of FT weekend and sunday times (which of course, i haven't exactly finished). i'm just looking for the weekend trip to switzerland even though traveling is not quite in the (mood) cards.

still, i'll try to strive through this week, then it'll be another week closer to christmas!

my salvation.

i realised that he is the only one who can cure my internal dismal.

i felt really awful when i woke up this morning; as usual i didn't manage to sleep well and there were leftovers from that plate of depression i had late last night. all i wanted to do was just sleep the whole day through but i had no choice than to get up to run some errands.

sitting outside fix coffeeshop drinking iced latte and reading my book was nice. the weather was splendid today. i felt the gentle rays of the sun and soaked up every positive energy i could get from the awesome weather. but my mood these days free falls like a rollercoaster. soon, i was feeling like i was in the depths of the ocean - inexplicable darkness and depression stood overcast.

when Gordon called, i was in the most awful of moods and he told me he'd never heard me so rude to him before. it wasn't that i was rude, i was just really depressed.

i'm so sorry about that deer, i didn't mean it and i hope you'll understand..

15 minutes into the conversation, i was already feeling much better. i felt bad for him always having to cheer me up but it does the trick most of the time. even until now the depression has gone away and i'm feeling more relaxed than ever.

he was the reason i felt sad, but he gives me more reasons to make me happy.

i love you no matter what:)

(and btw, no matter how lonely i feel, two-timing will never be an option for me!)

.

it began with sadness

then sorrow,

followed by anger,

convulsions,

denial...

after which,

nothingness permanently sets in.



don't even know who else is reading this shit i'm writing

meltdown in the making.

things that have been happening of late are just contributing to the meltdown in the making.

upon discovering that i have an absolutely crazy november and december, my inner foundations start to sway and quiver with utmost fear. it isn't that kind of fear that rises like the tide and diminishes when it is low; that fear is one that builds up secretly without you knowing and unleashes it's fury when you least expect it.

the load in school is building up and it can't get any worse when you've got a professor (on wednesdays) that's crazy strict and insists on us reading up on financial times and the sunday times regularly, going around testing us on the knowledge we've (supposedly) gained. not to mention the infinite amount of texts we have to read to keep up with the lectures. i try my best to study through the evening but it's proven to be nothing but failure.

let's be honest here - i'd be lying if i said that i'm totally used to the idea of not having Gordon around. the fact is i still miss him terribly, as much as i did when he first left and i'm trying to slowly cope with this whole lifestyle of us communicating whenever we can. the most ideal situation would be for us to talk all the time but i know it is not a viable option because we both need to live our lives without one another's company. i don't wish for him to rush home everyday just to talk to me but only if he has the time and space to do so. he's also told me to spend more time with friends and go out to have fun but seriously? i hardly have the energy, let alone the mood to do so.

i guess the stress of these couple of weeks has been taking its toll on me. i haven't had the most decent of sleeps in a long time as i often find myself awake at 6am in the morning feeling totally lost and not knowing what to do next. even though i feel uncomfortably tired and restless everyday, i struggle at the notion to sleep anywhere before the 130am time frame. the only comfort i seek now is the daily magic of life -- a splendid cuppa freshly brewed coffee without anything else and it acts as a booster for my entire well-being. i'm glad that i still have some kind of elixir to turn to but i'm not sure how long this coffee fix can sustain positively.

the only driving force that's keeping me going is knowing that i'll be able to spend the holidays closer to home and of course the thought of seeing him for 3 weeks straight. it doesn't matter to me if i only have him for myself for just a couple of hours a day (because that's probably gonna be it when we're eventually together in the same country) but knowing that he's there is good enough a comfort for me.

all i can say to this is: fight on! it'll be worth it when it's over (well least this isn't the worst semester, yet....).

making things work.

it might seem easy in theory but when in practice, everything gets thrown off course.

sometimes when things get a little complicated and juggling between family and your partner is more difficult than a circus act, compromises have to be made. i also learnt that sometimes it's more than making an informed decision -- it's making a decision that satisfies both parties.

i am definitely no professional when it comes to this incredible feat but i think every situation polishes your sensitivity senses to your partner's true feelings and emotions. when you thought that it was something, it turns out to be another.

of course, today came as a surprise to me. my conscience got the better of me and i decided to make decisions of my own without consulting my other half and i guess he didn't take it as good as i thought he would. following that semi-hostile bid goodbye i thought through the whole situation and realised that it wasn't because he was trying to be ridiculous - he just wanted to be with me for as long as time would allow.

at that moment i instantly knew that he really loves me and at that same moment i realised that all relationships are not only about compromises but also about sacrifices. no, they aren't sacrifices that are painful to make and forced on you; but sacrifices that we are willing to make without hesitation because you know that you're doing it for that person who means the world to you.

what more could i ask for?

when birthday presents come early.

i thought that monday was gonna get nothing but blue until a special someone gets his special something sent to me.

when i say something, i do mean some-things.

who knew my birthday - that is due in little less than 2 weeks - could be celebrated a little sooner than expected? i was ecstatic when i knew a parcel had arrived today for me... and my excitement accelerated 10 fold when i saw a smart white box staring at me on top of the post boxes.

it felt light to the touch and didn't really make any substantial jiggles when i shook the box. unfortunately the airway bill on the surface of the box gave away the contents as it read 'plush toy and birthday card' (whom someone most cleverly wrote). in an instance i knew that there was gonna be a hello kitty plush toy and a birthday card for sure. i semi raced/limped home to open that delightful surprise and struggled to open it amongst all the cellophane tape but obviously failed to succeed till i placed down my bags and attempted to have a go at it, proper.

finally putting the key into the lock, the box opened to a green polka-dotted envelope that read "if you're a pig please open this envelope for a treat" in that oh, so familiar, messy handwriting.
in there stood a really pretty card of a cat (furry to touch) that was pushing a present on a cart that wrote 'happy birthday'.
of course i wouldn't give away the contents of the card but he clearly stated that there were 3 gifts. i stared into the box and realised there were only two items. one of which is a really cute hello kitty pouch and the other (oh i wonder what it is?) was wrapped up in hello kitty giftwrap. instinctively i tore off the tracing paper that bound the pouch and unzipped it to find a shiny swarovski bracelet. it was that very bracelet that he tricked me into choosing for someone else (i should have known) and i had previously bought the same bracelet but in a different design for one of our close friends. i was overjoyed because it's the first piece of jewellery he's ever got me and although i don't wear bracelets often, this one's gonna be with me all the time.
unwrapping that 'mysterious' gift revealed a really cute hello kitty plush toy. for one, it's a sleeping kitty (well i know why it is a sleeping kitty) that has like a pink eye-mask strapped over it's head and secondly, it's a new contribution to my kitty collection that is growing slowly (but steadily).

i'm not surprised if i end up with a boxful of plush toys by the end of my stay in london (yippee!).

the early birthday gifts definitely lifted my spirits as i was feeling really down today. the bracelet that i will be wearing from now on, is a reminder that he's really always here with me and i'm sure it will be what makes me happy whenever i feel down.



thank you deer for putting so much effort into my birthday gift (i take what i said back about you and romance) 'cos i really love them! it couldn't have been any better.

---------------------------------------------------------------

i really meant it when i told you i wouldn't mind if you didn't have the time to talk to me.

i'd totally understand.

what he means to me.

as much as i feel excited for Gordon, that fear that i've been repressing is slowly creeping up to me.

it's great we're holding up this whole long distance thing but i'm really not sure about how it will develop in future. i fear that being apart means we can't grow together and we'd be missing out on the tiny details of each other's lives. a tiny detail may not be significant but every single tiny detail put together makes a whole load of difference.

now that he's starting his new job and having lesser time for us, it just makes me wonder what's going to happen next.

i cannot put into words how much he means to me and that sheer fear of losing someone that is too good to be true frightens me. people tell me to be optimistic about my relationship because positivity is the only thing that helps pave success. but these people have failed to understand that saying of 'once bitten twice shy'. it's hard to forget how positive i was about my first relationship and how sure i was that we were going to be soul mates. yet the truth is still staring at me in the eye telling me that that wasn't meant to be.

but what is?

could this be another failing attempt to piece that inner puzzle that i've been trying to solve all my life?

this is my last shot at getting everything back into place; just that i don't know if i should be optimistic about the relationship and risk everything crumbling when you least expect it.
i really want this to work because i love him so much. this relationship has been so enabling; i've never felt this empowered and happy and i don't want to lose this for anything.

whatever it is, i still stand by what i've said before-- i'm going to try as much as i can to keep us together and i will make this work.

and be optimistic about it.

because we'll be happy together till the end of time.

it's moments like these.

now i really understand the meaning of autumn in london.

it goes hysterically windy and the temperature never gets past 14 degrees. not to mention that never ending rain that keeps coming down on this grey and gloomy city. like as if london isn't any gloomier.

it's another one of those stay home days for me. besides making my way to liverpool street to get the ever so common groceries, i've been cooped up at home like a mother hen that's ready to lay her eggs-- the only difference is that i haven't got any eggs to lay (i don't lay eggs btw) and my thigh's swollen like an overstuffed turkey that's ready to explode.

i can only blame myself for this predicament. this injury of mine has rendered me useless for the next week or so and i haven't even got the opportunity to carry out my daily routine of walking to and from school. i find myself stuck with the miserable commuters of london every morning, falling prey to the despicably useless transportation of london, totally incapable of making it to destinations on time. what's more, this injury has ruined my weight-loss plans and has incapacitated my ability to go for netball and my favourite gym classes.

how miserable that must sound to you.

that truly is, following the fact that tv in this city is pretty much crap even though i have over 600 channels on my cable tv.

it's moments like these that make you sit down to melodramatic songs while the rain pours outside, wondering about the mysterious secrets to life. it's a deadly concoction of fear and uncertainty that makes you ponder about what are all human beings made to do in this world and what are we poised to achieve. is it that mundane cycle of coming into this world, growing up to find ourselves studying for almost half of our lifetimes and then working till we become nothing but ashes to earth? or is it some kind of message from the divine power that transcends to us that we must fulfill some kind of goal while we live our lives to the fullest?

if that's the case, what is that goal that i have to fulfill?

this really baffles me.

at the end of the day when we arrive at the finish line, do we get a gold star for everything we've done right and reprimanding for every single detail we messed up?

even so, what is the meaning to this?

would we really attain true happiness if we knew for a fact that if we did everything right (also depending on personal discretion as to what is really right)? who is it to tell us if we've done it correctly?

questions questions questions.

who can give me the real answer?

瓦解

说着笑这的午后，钟声一直在停留
风声静静躺着在诱惑
我一个人在角落，没有你陪伴的我
连寂寞都笑我太懦弱

广场边缘的烟抽，烟雾弥漫你面容
我悄悄背诵你的温柔
喝着加温后的啤酒，这样唯美的镜头
是否只存在故事之中？

在你的身后时间把过去都带走
时间把镜头带走不假思索
回忆不放手

好想再跟你牵着手，牵着你给我的温柔
哭过以后眼泪还是不停的流。

rain.

chills that run through the wind
as i catch the bus home.
huddled in the comfort of my coat
the rain continues to make it known.

passing cars splash over potholes
as i walk the way home.
pitter-patter of the raindrops
peaceful yet mellow.

looking through the window
as i lay down at home.
wondering when this rain may stop
like this dear most, forlorn.

may i have some positivity please?

all i want really is to have a more lighthearted and happy post but i guess i'm just lacking the positivity.

it's good that i've identified the problem and now it's time to 斬草除根.

well to be honest i think i'm starting to get used to having my life back to being alone and i'm beginning to embrace it. we've been communicating on a very regular basis and i bet there isn't even a 12 hour gap between the times we speak to each other whether on the phone or over skype. i guess things are going to be very different from next week (which i'm still trying to psych myself for) and we'll start communicating less and less.

on the other hand i think we're both learning to appreciate the beauty of being apart. for him i think it's a great starting point in terms of his career (though i'd like to be there for him supporting him every step of the way) without me being a distraction. for me i guess i can concentrate on completing my masters and probably have more time to do all the reading that i want. for us it's an excellent test on the strength of our relationship. moreover it's just 2 years (tops) that we're gonna do this... following this i'll be able to get a job at macdonald's in hk! or maybe 大家樂?

anyway it's gonna be another couple of months before we meet again in hk! so excited about the fact that i'm going back to singapore in december too! what's even more exciting is that chinese new year is only 4 months-ish away and i'm gonna be around for all this that's gonna happen:)

well... looks like the positivity is coming back to me eh? slowly, but surely!

maryanne.

dearest sister,

how have you been?

it's been 19 years since you left and i've been trying to bury you into the deep possibilities of my mind; and it worked. i forgot that on this faithful day, you abandoned mom, dad and i to go to some place better than this world.

i'm sure you're seeing all that have happened from up above. not sure how you feel about this... but it would have been better if you'd been here going through all of this with me. in fact, all of this wouldn't have happened if you were still here with us.

i know it isn't your fault,

but i cannot imagine how i survived the past 19 years of my life in that deep depression. that hole that i was in and nobody was there to save me. the things that i've witnessed going on in the family whether it was happening with mom and dad or the rest of the folks that i had been living with.

maryanne, i hope you know how much it hurts to see mom and dad break up.

i wish that it had never happened and during the final years of their marriage, i was secretly hoping that they would get back together like before; but they never did. to be honest i had seen all of this coming for the last (god knows how many) years but i just can't let go of it.

you understand how i'm feeling right?

i'd give everything i have now to have you back here with me, and for mom and dad to get back together. i'd do anything in the best of hypocrisies to have wholeness in life-- something which i can never fill ever again, no matter how happy i am now.

regardless, please continue to watch over mom and dad and be that guiding angel that i know you've always been.

i miss you dearest sister. you know that i will always be the sister that loves you no matter what happens.

there will be that time where we'll do things together like all sisters do.

reality check.

it's day 3 of being away from each other and i guess we're handling it well. my pipes have been fixed and it's no longer bursting like it was last week; just the occasional leak.

so far we've been in constant contact during the time that both of us are awake. Gordon installed skype and we've been having video chats for the past couple of days and it's been good. i also found out that my mobile phone is so awesome as we could actually do video chats on it!

my friends have been the most supportive lot.

i met Meixia on saturday afternoon for lunch and a walk at portobello market. we went to this wonderful italian restaurant that she recommended. it was tucked away from the hustle and bustle of the portobello crowd and served really authentic italian fare. we had spaghetti alla vongole which is by far the best i've had in london. the first time i went to portobello i fell in love with the place even though i hardly bought anything there. going back certainly helped a lot in lifting my spirits up especially since the market is always filled with so many people, things and colors. we also queued for the hummingbird bakery cupcakes and it was the bomb (of fattening goodness).
i then headed to bermondsey street for the annual bermondsey market fair. for once the entire street had become a myriad of colorful tents that housed some makeshift stalls selling quirky art and things like bags, shoes and well..you know... ladies stuff. i met up with yoshi, eunmi and andrea where we had some cupcakes (that i bought) and booze and sat beneath the tents talking about someone whom we all miss and making fun of him. somehow with all the company i could get, i still felt rather empty. i swear, many times as i was watching the crowd there was always some form of hallucination of him waving to me from far.
i must have been dreaming.
upon realising the hallucinations, i thought to myself -- it was really a big mistake to go for the fair. i couldn't look at anywhere without seeing us. every corner of bermondsey street had some kind of memory.

how i waited at the end of the tunnel to see him running towards me.
how he'd always tell me there's actually some shop selling stuff behind a huge gold gate with a snake mural on it.
how i'd always walk past daniel cobb and get fascinated at the pictures of apartments up for sale and wish that one of them was mine.
how we'd always try to wake up for our favourite spring rolls at the vietnamese cafe (but failed miserably most of the time).
how we'd sit outside bermondsey coffeeshop having our favourite banana frappe and watch people walking their dogs.
how he'd tell me that the girl behind the counter at bermondsey coffeeshop was cute and i'd get jealous.
how he'd always call every dog that walked past bermondsey coffeeshop ronnie.
how we'd always walk past andrew brown and wonder if the hair stylists were gay.
how we'd play silly walking games like trying not to step on the darker tiles on the floor so that the distance back home would seem shorter.
how we'd try our luck at getting a table at zucca.
how he told me that the 2D building opposite his place actually looks 3D.
how he'd wait for me near his place to bring home-cooked dinner.

and then we walked to the end of bermondsey street to bermondsey square where they had some live bands playing throughout the day. i saw the ping pong table that he'd always force me to play a few games with and most of the time lose to him and get really unhappy about it. eunmi then said to me "look it's ping pong, Gordon's favourite!".
if it wasn't enough, andrea suggested having coffee and bermondsey coffeeshop. i seriously felt like leaving there and then. regardless, i followed suit and was the only one who had banana frappe.

later that night, we met up with sheryl and aditya (and a few other friends) where we went to cha cha moon to have dinner. i wasn't feeling too well then. it was a mixture of being sad, feeling sick and restlessness. so much for one night.
thorsten joined us for drinks and we were having many rounds of mojito and by the 4th mojito i was more or less tipsy. we left the bar and the remainder of us went to club 49 for clubbing and drinks where i had another round of mojito, and then some other drinks which i don't really have recollection of what they were.
before long i was walking on whitecross street back home (not knowing how i got there) and the following series of events was a blur to me.

i spent most of sunday trying to recover from a seriously bad throat and a major hangover. aditya and i went to ping pong (which was a first for me) where we had pretty decent dimsum for lunch. Gordon and i then had our first video call which didn't last very long cos he had jetlag and needed sleep. the rest of the day was just stoning and not bothering about anything else because i was too hangover to do anything. i couldn't even take control of myself and clean my room which is in an utter mess (and still is) like me. i really don't know what to do with myself.

when evening came, the most depressing thing happened to me. i had to collect his bags from his old flat (yes you got it right, bermondsey street again) and could only go after 9pm. the night was exceptionally cold and windy and i was chilled to the bone even though i was wearing a winter coat and had a scarf. the walk through bermondsey street was a nightmare. it was quiet because it was a sunday night and the weather couldn't have made it worse for me. his flatmates were really nice to help me bring the stuff down and wait with me for the cab in the cold.

sunday night ended with me having really late dinner and then doing just about nothing before i went to shower and sleep.



but i guess everyday can only get better.

deer, you're always on my mind:)

The Pope.

The Pope was in London today.

it was also the day Gordon left london for good.

because of the papal visit, the cabbie Habib had to take a different route from where he'd normally have taken. i looked out of the window and we were on the waterloo bridge.
it reminded me of that night we went absolutely crazy (or rather, i went absolutely crazy) and we decided to walk from tower bridge all the way to westminster and then caught a bus to leicester square and went home at 5am after supper.

then fleet street.
we drove past wasabi (my favourite japanese fast-food in which he hates) -- the same one where we had lunch at and talked about our favourite actors and movies and realised how much we had in common.

next it was aldwych.
the place where he'd wait for RV1 and i'd wait for 76 to go home.

then we were on kingsway.
sushi hiroba flashed past us. the place where we had our first lunch together.

it was kind of bittersweet for me. maybe a good thing for him since he could see these places for a last time before he returned home. i couldn't help but look back and think of all these wonderful memories.. then broke down in the cab.

i know i'm quite useless. all of my last posts were about this misery i was and still am feeling.

we journeyed on to find ourselves stuck in bad traffic for more than 45 minutes in which we were silent most of the time. i was pretty disappointed cos this time, God wasn't on my side and we arrived at the airport 40 minutes later than we were supposed to. great.
we managed a brisk meal at ponti's where we had pasta (apparently we aren't sick of it yet) and then spent the rest of the remaining minutes listening to how he'd tell me it's not gonna be long till we see each other again in a different place where it'll be fun (yes i know it will be) but somehow it just didn't sink in.

at the departure gates, we had a long hug and kissed goodbye for the last time and at that point of time i couldn't control my tears so it was like a waterfall (though i didn't expect myself to do so well...i thought i'd do worse).

and then he left.

the sunset was exceptionally beautiful today.

weekend please don't come

for once i can't believe i'm saying this but, weekend please don't come.

it's going to be another 2 more days before gordon leaves and i'm seriously feeling the overwhelming sadness.

i know i've been over this a thousand times in my head - that what we wouldn't be any different and that we still can hold everything in place - but it is growing increasingly strenuous to psycho myself that everything would be okay. can i really hold it up? i've got to hold on even if it means giving all i've got.

i guess i need to find something really substantial to fill up my time after he leaves...

like what?

regardless, i'll make it, somehow.

what a beautiful mess this is... it's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes..

let me let go.

i've been really emotional about everything of late.

this included the horrible emotional meltdown i had on friday night after our night out at the club. reality had set in after i realised how disappointing i really was. i came to London with the mindset that i was going to be all alone and i was totally cool with it. i got by each day alone with little effort.

but as time went by i have become more and more dependent on my friends and of course, on Gordon. knowing that he's leaving for good in little less than 2 weeks means that my pillar of support will be gone. it isn't just about having our usual conversations on the phone but knowing that he's physically present seems to be really important to me now.

i should be ashamed of myself.

i am also not looking forward to the incredibly arduous ordeal ahead of us -- a long distance relationship. i am trying to steel my mind and prepare for the worst because i know the time that we get to talk to each other everyday would be so little due to the nature of his work and all the long hours he'd have to put in. i am also preparing to get back to that reclusive self i used to be, happily getting by my days by just going to school then the gym and to the supermarket for groceries.

as depressing as it sounds, even with all of these problems laid down on the table i refuse to throw the towel in. don't ask me why but i just feel there's more to this relationship than it being long distance. i believe with much persistence from both of us, we'd make it to the end. putting all of the past relationships aside, i think this is the real deal. we just need to find that shimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, that's all.

i couldn't get to sleep on friday night without thinking about all that's going to happen in future. crying and thinking about him and all the things we will fail to do because time isn't on our side. feeling sad about everything... i was basically swimming in my own tears.

even as i pen down these thoughts i cannot help but let the floodgates open.

i guess it's just about getting used to, innit?

i said i would.

i know!

i said i would continue blogging in my last blog... but sometimes everything just takes the toll on you and then you stop blogging once, twice and before you know it, you just stop blogging altogether.

reason why i didn't continue from my last blog entry is because i want to start everything on a clean, fresh slate. those who are close to me should know everything that happened in the last couple of months and my life in it's previous state has been magically erased and become brand new. just like how buzz lightyear's switch got switched to "demo" in toy story 3 and he was restored to default factory settings (fortunately i don't have a spanish mode).

maybe i'm just bored to death and at my wit's end as to what i should do with the remaining of my summer holidays.

still...

i'll try to continue blogging even when school starts (fingers crossed :x ) cos i think it's really nice to keep a diary of sorts and reading through past entries just somehow inspires me even though i might have read the entries a million times before.

the past 4 days have been incredibly weird. from the day i sent gordon off at the airport there was a sort of emptiness that made me devoid of all emotions, just an empty shell. i told myself that it would be a great opportunity to have a trial of what our lives would be 6 months down the road after he leaves london for good. i thought i had made all necessary emotional adjustments but i guess it's just too much to take. i probably have too much time on my hands thus i've been thinking a lot unnecessarily. regardless, i think i'm still not prepared for it.
it hasn't been that long that we've been (officially) together, but for the last 2.5 months, we hung out together and talked on the phone almost everyday and i guess i've started to grow dependent on him. this is just my style isn't it? from when i was with mal i've grown to have this extremely bad habit of being dependent on my partner whether emotionally or psychologically.

but i just can't help it..

even i don't understand what i'm really thinking inside.

on the other hand, being with gordon gives me the feeling of being home. the same feeling that i had when i was with mal, but bigger and better. the first time we had lunch together at sushi hiroba, that was the feeling i got. i never knew it was there, until it slowly crept in and engulfed me then everything started to happen and now, things are starting to fall into place.
to be honest, i don't know what he really feels about me...whether he feels the same way i do about him, about this relationship of ours... or maybe he just feels like any other start to an ordinary relationship. when mom asked me if i love him i replied 'yes' immediately. when she asked me if he loves me.. i had no answer to that question. he doesn't really tell me he loves me straight to my face..but i guess actions should speak louder than words?

or is this more like care and concern than love?

regardless, we all know that this relationship would be difficult but i'm willing to give it a shot. i'm willing to make sacrifices, give in to situations and do anything possible to keep us going. this is how much i value the relationship we have. it's really special to me.