the final countdown

writing the title of this post instantly had Europe's "The Final Countdown" in my head.

i can't believe we're finally treading within the regions of december. it seemed like only last week that 2010 kicked off to a blasting start and yet we're now beginning to buy our 2011 diaries. god knows what's gonna happen in the new year, i hope spectacular things it will be.

at present i'm still trying to fight off that annoying time of the month. for some particular reason it is getting increasing arduous for my pain threshold to keep up with the pain piling up every month it happens. if it weren't for sheryl i'd probably have died of pain in my apartment without anybody's realisation. she was the deliverer of ponstan, this ever so vile form of pain killer, and of course a hot water bottle to make me all that much better. i couldn't believe that it was so hard for me to fall asleep and i drifted off only to find myself dreaming that i had stomach cramps (which in reality was actually happening) and woke up to even worse cramps than the night before.

i had managed a miserly 4 hours of rest.

with the help of friendly (and poisonous) ponstan, i've managed to live past the worst of pains and am now sitting infront of my computer, wording my thoughts while trying to shake myself to reality that the exams are dangerously looming. i have officially 1 more week before the next round of exams jump start to life and to be honest i am probably the most underprepared student of the entire lot. not to mention the thought of that treacherous journey to the docklands for my exams (where winds blow at probably 100/mph) (and mind you they are blisteringly cold winds) is just putting me off.

today was eventful for me because it was probably the first time in my life i told myself that i needed to get psychiatric help (before you decide to ditch me as a friend, hear me out) for the depression that i've been experiencing all my life. it is only now during this immense stress that signs of depression are starting to show and i'm really trying my best to not let it extend beyond the containable state.

trust me, it can get pretty bad.

and without any surprise i was preparing myself to break down ever so often during the session and i did, many times. i couldn't contain my emotions to the point that sometimes i felt embarrassed that i was tearing so much. it really tore me up to bring up so many years of emotional backlog, of which i took that many years to bury it in the closet that i was never to explore again. i'm not sure how this would help me rearrange my emotions, let alone have an expectation that i would gain happiness out of this experience. i'm still willing to put my money on it.