let me let go.

i've been really emotional about everything of late.

this included the horrible emotional meltdown i had on friday night after our night out at the club. reality had set in after i realised how disappointing i really was. i came to London with the mindset that i was going to be all alone and i was totally cool with it. i got by each day alone with little effort.

but as time went by i have become more and more dependent on my friends and of course, on Gordon. knowing that he's leaving for good in little less than 2 weeks means that my pillar of support will be gone. it isn't just about having our usual conversations on the phone but knowing that he's physically present seems to be really important to me now.

i should be ashamed of myself.

i am also not looking forward to the incredibly arduous ordeal ahead of us -- a long distance relationship. i am trying to steel my mind and prepare for the worst because i know the time that we get to talk to each other everyday would be so little due to the nature of his work and all the long hours he'd have to put in. i am also preparing to get back to that reclusive self i used to be, happily getting by my days by just going to school then the gym and to the supermarket for groceries.

as depressing as it sounds, even with all of these problems laid down on the table i refuse to throw the towel in. don't ask me why but i just feel there's more to this relationship than it being long distance. i believe with much persistence from both of us, we'd make it to the end. putting all of the past relationships aside, i think this is the real deal. we just need to find that shimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, that's all.

i couldn't get to sleep on friday night without thinking about all that's going to happen in future. crying and thinking about him and all the things we will fail to do because time isn't on our side. feeling sad about everything... i was basically swimming in my own tears.

even as i pen down these thoughts i cannot help but let the floodgates open.

i guess it's just about getting used to, innit?