over the weekend some things happened (which i won't go into detail) and it got me thinking about everything that's going on in my life. it wasn't till 2 days ago till i realised that i have been living in my own fantasy world and today that i realised that it's time to change the person i am.
of late i hadn't seen the need to log into MSN anymore but i did on monday afternoon and enz dropped me a greeting. it had been awhile since i've spoken to her and i was glad that she still remembered that i exist. after the usual how're you's and what have you be up to's, she said that there's more to life than my relationship.
it shook me because of its abruptness but also because of how the truth was staring at my face.
basically i had forgotten everyone around me including my friends and family because i was too obsessed with my relationship. she reminded me that i had been a bad friend, a bad cousin and a bad daughter. and i haven't been giving myself and Gordon the space we both deserve because i was over-indulgent into self-pity and misery, all of which has been created by no one else but myself. her words continued to resonate in my mind, even as i was about to go to bed that night. for some reason i felt more than alone and the self resentment was building inside because of what i have done and failed to do.
tuesday morning came and i woke up feeling so depressed that i couldn't stop crying from the minute i got up.
but it was my cousin's wise words that pulled me out from the deep. she told me that if i had continued to be unhappy even towards my relationship then i would be digging my own grave because no one wants to be with someone that's depressed and unhappy all the time. and all i lacked was faith in myself and faith in him. which was true, because i never did give myself and him a chance... maybe because of the past relationships i've had that has molded me into who i am today.
after hearing her out, i was back to my happy self again and we had our normal and happy conversation. it really was just me creating all these troubles for myself and i'm glad that there was someone out there to get me back into track.
today i realised that the image i have been portraying to everyone is desperation, so much so that everyone thinks that i want to get married soon. i must admit my lifelong goal is to have my own happy family and if i achieve it, it would be ultimate happiness for me. and it was just me probably being too overboard in the things i say and do, and how i portray myself in front of Gordon and others. i hadn't realised until now and i'm going to change who i am. i guess all along i was scared to lose him because he meant more to me than anything else... but if he wasn't meant to be the one for me, whatever i do will have no effect on us because a relationship cannot be forced (let alone a marriage).
so at the end of the day, if he chooses to lose me.. then it's his loss. i shall not and will not continue to let this dominate me because i am not desperate to get married; i was just looking forward to my ultimate happiness.
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