i said i would.

i know!

i said i would continue blogging in my last blog... but sometimes everything just takes the toll on you and then you stop blogging once, twice and before you know it, you just stop blogging altogether.

reason why i didn't continue from my last blog entry is because i want to start everything on a clean, fresh slate. those who are close to me should know everything that happened in the last couple of months and my life in it's previous state has been magically erased and become brand new. just like how buzz lightyear's switch got switched to "demo" in toy story 3 and he was restored to default factory settings (fortunately i don't have a spanish mode).

maybe i'm just bored to death and at my wit's end as to what i should do with the remaining of my summer holidays.

still...

i'll try to continue blogging even when school starts (fingers crossed :x ) cos i think it's really nice to keep a diary of sorts and reading through past entries just somehow inspires me even though i might have read the entries a million times before.

the past 4 days have been incredibly weird. from the day i sent gordon off at the airport there was a sort of emptiness that made me devoid of all emotions, just an empty shell. i told myself that it would be a great opportunity to have a trial of what our lives would be 6 months down the road after he leaves london for good. i thought i had made all necessary emotional adjustments but i guess it's just too much to take. i probably have too much time on my hands thus i've been thinking a lot unnecessarily. regardless, i think i'm still not prepared for it.
it hasn't been that long that we've been (officially) together, but for the last 2.5 months, we hung out together and talked on the phone almost everyday and i guess i've started to grow dependent on him. this is just my style isn't it? from when i was with mal i've grown to have this extremely bad habit of being dependent on my partner whether emotionally or psychologically.

but i just can't help it..

even i don't understand what i'm really thinking inside.

on the other hand, being with gordon gives me the feeling of being home. the same feeling that i had when i was with mal, but bigger and better. the first time we had lunch together at sushi hiroba, that was the feeling i got. i never knew it was there, until it slowly crept in and engulfed me then everything started to happen and now, things are starting to fall into place.
to be honest, i don't know what he really feels about me...whether he feels the same way i do about him, about this relationship of ours... or maybe he just feels like any other start to an ordinary relationship. when mom asked me if i love him i replied 'yes' immediately. when she asked me if he loves me.. i had no answer to that question. he doesn't really tell me he loves me straight to my face..but i guess actions should speak louder than words?

or is this more like care and concern than love?

regardless, we all know that this relationship would be difficult but i'm willing to give it a shot. i'm willing to make sacrifices, give in to situations and do anything possible to keep us going. this is how much i value the relationship we have. it's really special to me.